Healthy You Post

This was a pretty good week, WW-wise. Personal life-wise, it was a shitty week. But I'm not going to go there.

I didn't eat "healthy" this week, but I did stick w/in my points. And I think sometimes your body needs you to just switch it up. This weekend, I had a couple days of some bad food decisions. I logged everything I ate though, and I did have points for it all. My weekend food included pizza, mexican, margaritas, steak dinner (complete w/baked potato & dinner rolls), and ice cream. It was a weekend of "old" eating.

But, it didn't hurt me. You're allowed to splurge once in awhile. Noone is perfect. If you deny yourself what you're craving, it's only going to make the craving worse. Then when you do finally give in, you're more likely to go WAY overboard.

So tonight I stepped on the scale, and I was happily down 3 pounds! That is 46.4 pounds total so far. I'm inching closer to the 50 pound mark. I feel like I've been in this weight "decade" for EVER. I'll be so happy to see that next decade!

I probably will continue to be a little absent from the consistent blogs & reading all of you right now. My personal life has to come first, and I need to sort things out with that in my own time. I miss you & love you all!

nsv's

So apparently my work has caught on that I like to blog on the clock, and they've now blocked me from logging into this on my work computer. I can open my page, but the tiny little strip at the top that says "log in" is restricted. Bastards.

I went to Iowa to see my friend, and I had some really great NSVs while I was there.

*Went out to eat at the Olive Garden and even though I wanted something creamy/cheesy, I got soup & salad

*Was able to fit into an XXL on the "normal" side of Target. It was a little snug in my shoulders, or I would have purchased it.

*Fit into size 20 dress pants at Old Navy. They gave me one monster of a camel toe, so they weren't quite ready for a purchase. Noone needs to see that. But 20s!!!

*I've been looking for a new coat for over a month. I haven't been able to find anything cute around here, so I looked in Iowa. We went to a department store in the mall, and almost everything that they had was just "regular" sizes. I found a really cute peacoat that I LOVED. They had it in an XL and a XXL. I just ignored the XL. I said "oh, well I can't wear that, it's only an XL". I tried the XXL knowing it would be too big, and it was. My friend said "Well try this one, then you'll know how far you have to go!". So I tried it. And it fit. Not like ALMOST fit, but FIT.

Check In

So I'm not sure if the hard part is over, or if the hard part is yet to come. Mike left last night, and I know that it's for the best. To have him stay would be worse. I would never fully trust him again, and that's no foundation for a healthy relationship.

Food-wise this week, it was certainly weird. For the first time in my life, I didn't binge when I was sad. It was actually the opposite, I couldn't eat at all for a couple days. At one point, when I weighed at home, I was down almost 10 pounds. I knew that wasn't healthy, so I forced some food down. It wasn't always healthy food, granted, but at least it was food. In the end, I weighed in 1 pound less than last week. That's 43.4 lost so far.

I figure any loss after a week like I've had is certainly a feat that I overcame.

This week I'd like to work on exercise. I feel like I say that every week but maybe one of these days I'll actually get a move on. I went once this last week, just for a 20 minute walk.

I'm taking the fact that I'm broke as an opportunity to eat all the food in my house that I've previously purchased but just never got around to eating. I have quite a collection of smart ones in the freezer, as well as quite a few pantry items. Once I'm out of food, then I'll get more. Gotta budget the little money I do have.

I hope everyone had a good week. Thank you again for the great support you all have given me, it means so much to know I have all of you as friends who will surround me in a time of need. I will do the same anytime any of you need anything.

hard.

I'm sorry for lurking your blogs. I'm having a hard time being encouraging right now. I am reading from time to time though, when I can.

Things suck right now. Plain and simple. Things suck.

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or where my life is going.

I don't know if I can trust again.

I'm starting to feel a bitterness in my heart.

I feel like we're just playing house until the other shoe drops.

I can feel myself becoming hardened, trying to turn off the emotions. Just be emotionless for the time being.

Maybe it will hurt less that way.

weekend

So, things are just... there.

In limbo, so to speak.

Not fixed, pretty broken.... just there.

Taking things a day at a time.

Who knows.

Out of all of this though, I have overcome an obsticle of mine that I've struggled with my whole life--emotional eating. It's actually been the opposite for me... I've had a hard time eating anything at all. I know, I know... I need to eat. I'll have a little bit, then I feel like my stomach is in knots & doesn't want anything else. I did manage to eat a few fries & a cheeseburger on the way home from picking Mike up from his accident. It was McDonald's... it's not the best. But it's the first cheeseburger I've had from McD's in over 5 months. And I hadn't eaten anything else the entire day. I had a couple pieces of pizza today, but I need to force something else down. So I'm not eating much, and what I eat isn't healthy, but I'm not stuffing my face. And that's the big hurdle.

The turn of events.

I have never felt such support from a group of people that have never met me as I have in the last 24 hours. Everyone who has left kind words and kept me in their thoughts is such a blessing & I love you gals all so much. I don't usually write non-weight-related blogs in here (that's what my other blog is for elsewhere), but I wanted to fill all of you in, because you deserve to know the outcome since you all were so kind to me. It's somewhat long, but details about the last 24-48 hours.

I woke up yesterday & the first thing that happened were the tears came again. I woke up next to my best friend, and I didn't know how many more times I would. All of the "lasts" came flooding in to me. This might be the last time I wake up with him. Last night may have been our last kiss. Were the last words out of his mouth last night, "I love you", ever going to be whispered again? When was the last time we shared a shower & he washed my hair? When was the last time we laughed so hard we cried? All of these thoughts just overwhelmed me and I was hysterical again.

I knew I had to go to work, so I showered, tears streaming down my face all the while. Memories of the night before just wouldn't go away. I had gotten home from work Thursday and started dinner. He wanted to talk. He lost his job on Monday, and he's been feeling dejected. He said he's going back to Alabama, he can't be a good enough man for me and he needs to make something of himself. There's no hope. The scenes of the night before wouldn't leave my head while in the shower. I got out and somehow pulled myself together & left for my 10-hour day at work.

At around noon I got a call from him. He had gathered his clothes & was getting ready to do laundry. He wanted to be on the road by early evening. We discussed what to do with the rings. He gave me the last $400 he had for bill money, and he needed some money to get himself down there. He asked what I wanted to do with them. Did I want him to get rid of them? Meaning pawn them. As horrible as it would be to know he'd done that, I think seeing them every day would be even more hard. We agreed he'd take the engagement ring & leave me the bands. He called later & said he couldn't do it, that it wasn't right. He gave me that ring and it belonged to me. He'd leave it with me, he'd just need a little cash for gas. It was agreed upon.

The whole rest of the day at work was awful. There was this overwhelming dread over my head. The drive home was the longest one ever. I got home and his clothes were in bags, his computer room was cleaned up & part of it packed. It was horrible. We hugged and both exploded in tears. I told him I loved him, and he wouldn't say it back. I told him he didn't have to, that I knew he loved me too, even if he didn't say it. He wouldn't kiss me either. He said it was too hard.

Finally it was time. He had packed up his car with what he could, and he said he'd be back eventually to get the rest. I didn't think it was possible to cry any harder, but when we hugged & he said he loved me & he kissed me & he said Goodbye and I walked back to our bedroom, I did. My legs could hardly carry me down the hall. I couldn't watch him leave though. I collapsed on our bed and just screamed and cried with hurt and sadness. I kept saying "make him come back, please make him come back". But I heard the mustang start, and I watched it roll away.

When I finally was able to move again, I came on here and read all of your wonderful words and encouragement. I honestly don't know that I've ever felt so loved by so many people all at once. I hope that I am as good as encouraging you when you're down as you all were to me. It was overwhelming. Thank you.

I have a friend online who went through a similar situation. She directed me to the entries she wrote during that hard time for her. Her situation changed though, and she's happily married & blessed with her soul mate. I asked her how she was able to forgive after such an unbelievable hurt. That's when she referred me back to the entries. While I was reading the entry where things are looking up for her, Mike called.He was about an hour and a half south of here. He told me he had been going the wrong way on the highway, and that now he was turned the right way and coming home. Back to OUR home. Then all of a sudden I knew how my friend was able to forgive. There was just no question about it, in that one sentence "I'm going the right way now", all my hurt disappated.

But then he changed his mind.

After driving about 1/2 hour towards home, he called again. He said he had to at least go and see if it really was what he was missing. See if it would feel the void he has felt for awhile now. I was crushed all over again. I was getting angry too. This whole time, there had been very little anger. I had a fleeting moment of it, when I got out my digital camera and tried to show him pictures of me in my dress, show him what he'd never see, show him what he was missing out on. He wouldn't look at them though. I told him he needs to make up his mind, that I can't tolerate the flip-flopping. It's just harder & worse for me to have a little hope & then have it ripped away. He said he just needed some time. He'd go down there for a week, then he'd come back and either get the rest of his stuff, or he'd come home to stay.

I asked him if he was going to consider himself single down there, was he going to have the fun of a bachelor? That upset him for me to even ask. He said he didn't want anyone else, he just couldn't be here right now. And we hung up.

Thirty minutes later, I got the most terrifying call from him I've ever received.

I was in an accident. I need you to come.

Iwasinanaccident.Iwasinanaccident.Iwasinanaccident.

My whole body started uncontrollably shaking. Almost as though I was having convulsions. I managed to squeak out Are You Hurt? He said he's fine, not a scratch on him, but he's lucky to be standing and walking around.

He hit black ice and his car started to skid. He tried to correct it, but it was too late. He was passing a semi when this happened, and his car spun around and the front end of his car collided with the front of the rear wheels of the semi's trailor. He's lucky he didn't go under the semi. He's lucky he's here. After his car spun around a few times, it came to a stop. His airbags didn't even deploy. He was able to get the car on the shoulder. He was okay.

I didn't think my body would carry me to my car. I almost lost him. I can't lose him. I was so scared. That was the longest hour and fifteen minute drive of my life. He told me to be careful, that just out of nowhere, the black ice takes over the road. I got just about to Effingham when I saw the salt trucks driving around. You would have no idea roads were even slick if you didn't see them. But you would once you got past the exit into and out of Effingham. I went around a curve, and all you could see for about a mile were emergency vehicles left and right. Cars and trucks, so many of them, in ditches, on their roofs, debris all over the road. There were probably 8-10 accidents within a mile's stretch south of Effingham. He was so lucky.

I finally got to him on the side of the road. He was all alone in his car. The officer had been by all ready & the semi had all ready left. They were just given an accident report to fill out & send in because there were so many other accidents, many with serious injuries. I've never hugged him so hard in my life.

"Everythings's going to be okay." were the first words out of his mouth.

He said if that wasn't a pretty blatant sign from God that we weren't supposed to be apart, he didn't know what was. He said he really did see his life flash before his eyes, so to speak, and that I was there, that I was his life. And that all he could think about was "tell her I love her".

The mustang is still on the side of the road, 80 miles from here. It's not driveable... at least not at night anyway, the front end is pretty much gone. No bumper, no headlights, hood mashed up. But it doesn't even matter. Nothing else matters except that he's okay. He's okay.

He got in the car, and we drove home. Together. He put my ring back on my finger. I asked if that meant everything was the same, and he said yes. We layed in our bed together and held each other tighter than I think we've ever held each other. We were able to talk, to laugh, everything.

I don't know what we'll do about his car, I don't know what we'll do about a job. But it's not important right now. We love each other. We're going to be okay. That's what's important.

scratch that.

So remember how I said everyone in my past always leaves me? And how that's a huge issue for me?

Yeah, still is.

I've been left again.

I can't talk about it.

My left hand is now bare, and my heart is now empty.

The "I Love Me" List

I was catching up with some of my regular reads, and Krissie had a great post today. She wrote about negative self-talk that a LOT of us tend to partake in. She said that if she had a friend that said some of the things to her that she says to herself about herself, that friend would no longer be a friend. And she's right! Why do we talk horribly to ourselves sometimes? Thinking "I'll never meet my goal" or "I'm too fat to do that" or "they were looking at me because I'm fat, I must look disgusting". So, she declared that we should all make an "I Love Me" list. Fill this out about yourself & refer back to it when you're feeling down. No backhanded compliments about yourself either... which means don't say "I love my eyes because it distracts people from my big ass" :)

So, here's my list!

The "I LOVE ME" List

1. What do you absolutely love about your body? I really like my hourglass figure. Now that I've lost some weight, it is back hardcore, and sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in a window or something, I'm really surprised at how nice it looks.

2. When did you surprise yourself with your physical strength? Every time I work out. When I start my workout on the elliptical, after 5 minutes I'm ready to quit. I think "goodness sakes, how on earth did I ever do this 30 minutes?!" But, it never fails that I am able to push on & meet that 30 minute goal. I even got 45 minutes once!

3. When were you braver than you ever thought you could be? When my dad passed away in high school. I had just returned home from a school trip (he had passed away 2 days before I got back), and they asked if I wanted to come to the funeral home with them to make arrangements. And to view the body. I was terrified of seeing my dad. I thought if I didn't go, it wouldn't be real & would be easier. The morning they were going, I told them I wanted to sleep in, that I wasn't going to go. I laid in bed a few more minutes though, and I knew I had to go, so I got dressed & joined them. It was hard, but I needed to do it.

4. When did your self-control blow you away? The week after I joined WW I went to visit a friend at my old college campus. She and I always go out to eat & get ice cream when we get together. We went to Carlos O'Kelly's (delicious mexican), and I turned to the "healthy choices" portion of the menu & ordered from there. Usually I would get the enchiladas filled with cheese & creamy sauce... but this time I got enchiladas with spinach & mushrooms with pico. I didn't even miss that other stuff. When we went to get ice cream at Coldstone (also delicious, but most of it is SO not WW friendly), I declined my usual (20 point) selection and chose the Sinless Sweet Cream with sprinkles. It was tasty and felt SO good to stay in control & on plan!

5. What is your proudest moment ever? Up until now, it's been my college graduation. I have a feeling that on March 22nd my answer will change. (That's my wedding day)

6. When was the last time you felt absolutely beautiful? Last month at my dress fitting. I had to get a new dress because mine had outgrown me! To see it all put together with shoes, veil, etc. It was great.

7. Why do you deserve to meet your goals? Because I give myself to others without thinking a thing about it, but I don't do enough for myself, and now is the time!

Close to home

I don't know how many of you watch the current Biggest Loser teams that is on. This week's episode was one of those where the light bulb kind of goes off. There is a team comprised of a mother & daughter. The pink team. This week Jillian was helping them deal with some of their emotional issues with food. The daughter felt like all her life she'd been alone, for her own personal reasons, which are different than mine. But she turned to food because she felt like if people left her, it must be because she is fat, because why would anyone want to leave her, as a person. It was one of those moments where you just go "ooohhhhhhh......."

That is totally me. And it's strange, because I have two people in my life that have always been there, no matter what, and that's my parents. I don't know that I've mentioned it here, but they are really my grandparents. They adopted me when I was in 2nd grade. I always knew who my birth parents were (my dad especially since it's his parents that adopted me!). But I guess I do probably have issues with that fact, deep down. I know that my life was better because of them raising me. I would be a totally different person in totally different circumstances if things had been different.

When I was 16, my dad died. I know that he didn't choose to leave me, but it doesn't hurt any less to know that. Since then, people--men--have come in and out of my life. And they always leave. I came to expect that they would leave, and that's why I chose not to do anything about my weight. Because if I'm thin and they leave, then I don't have this "reason" that they left. I can be a rational person, and after the fact, I know that they didn't leave me because of that. Things just weren't meant to be. But at the time, you don't always see that.

Then came Mike. He loves me and he thinks I'm beautiful. Now, and at 330 pounds. Now that I'm losing weight, I feel vulnerable sometimes. I feel like I don't have it to hide behind, and I am exposed. Thankfully he puts up with me when I have little emotional breakdowns where I fear he will leave and never come back. Or he'll find someone better. I guess we all have our insecurities. Those that know me in real life know this confident, outspoken Teale. Usually without a care in the world, just going with the flow, laid back. But, we all have our moments I suppose.

Anyway, I'm a work in progress. Half of this battle really is mental, and if you don't address the mental & emotional ties to why you're overweight, I don't think you can truly keep it off. Because even if you lose 20, 50, 100 pounds... if you don't confront those demons or those mental battles, they're still going to be there, whether you're a size 24 or a size 8.

Week in Review

Well, today was my WW meeting. I went this morning instead of this evening since today is my day off this week. I would say that I had a really good week. I journaled everything I ate, and I got all my water in 5 of 7 days. That's great for me!

This weekend I went to the movies & shared popcorn with my friend. I accounted for all the points. I can't go to the movies & NOT have popcorn. It's worth the points to me, so that's that. While I wasn't worried about going over points, I was a little concerned that the salt would cause me some water weight gain. I think that because I had been drinking water like a fish, that helped me not have water weight.

My current weight is 285.2, which is a 2.4 pound loss since last week! Go Teale!!! That's 42.4 pounds lost since the end of August. I feel pretty darn good about that!

This week is going to be a challenge for me. We're facing a bit of a financial struggle right now, and I'm doing my best to not turn to food for comfort. So far so good. I'm also going to be spending a couple days with a friend in Iowa, but I'm pretty sure she'll be flexible and we can eat at WW-friendly places or cook WW friendly meals.

My next goal is to hit 50 pounds by February. It might be a lofty goal, but I think I can do it. We'll see!

Lyrics

So I'm not generally a fan of teenie-bopper music, but part of the lyrics to this song I think are really inspiring... It's a song by Miley Cyrus (yes, Billy Ray's daughter), and the chorus goes something like this:

I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life,
As ready as I've ever been.
I've got the hunger and the stars in my eyes,
The prize is mine to win.

Evolve

Things that have changed since losing 40 pounds:
--I can go up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment w/o being winded
--I'm more confident about my appearance
--Two words: on top.
--Very few body aches
--I don't even dream about going through the McDonald's drive thru (or any drive thru) on the way to work
--Or on the way home
--I like to drink water
--I'm trying foods I thought I "didn't like"
--I notice parts of my body that have changed or gotten smaller, instead of focusing on the flaws


Things that I still need to work on:
--I don't like exercise and I don't do it regularly
--I don't yet recognize my body's signs that it's satisfied
--I don't get in all my servings of fruits/veggies and milk per day

Great week!

This past week has been a really good one for me. I've felt such a renewed focus, like I had back in August. I had a great shopping trip where I went down a size. And I just felt a lot more energey, overall.

I had my WW meeting tonight. I was 1.8 pounds from my 40 pound mark. I didn't know if almost 2 pound was possible in my shortened week (last week I weighed in on Thursday b/c my Tuesday meeting fell on a holiday). 40 pounds has been a mental battle for me. The first time I did WW, I had success. I lost about 38 pounds, then I couldn't seem to lose anymore. I slacked on the program for probably 3 months, gaining, losing, gaining, gaining...... For 3 months I couldn't get past where I was. So this time around, I had it in my mind that the same thing was going to happen. And you know what, when you mentally prepare for defeat, that's what you're gonna get. For about 6 weeks, I've been between 32-38 pounds lost. The holidays were tough, I'd gain, then lose a little, then gain, then lose a little. I know that this was all mental. I had it in my head that I was going to gain and that's exactly what would happen.

Well this week, I reframed and got that positive thinking back. I journaled my food, I ate healthier than I had been... I was right on track! Like I said, I was unsure of an almost 2 pound loss, but when I stepped on the scale tonight, it read 287.6 pounds. My starting weight was 327.6 pounds.

I've lost 40 pounds!!!!!

I was so elated! It felt so good to get past that hurdle & that mark that I thought I couldn't get past. Do you realize that I'm only 10 pounds away from 50 pounds lost?!!? That's insane! I've been on WW for 21 weeks now, according to my book. I haven't missed a single week. On weeks that I couldn't make my usual meeting, I planned ahead & made it to a different one. I really think that the meetings are my key. I mean, I know that I'm the one eating right & I'm the one staying on track as much as possible. But those meetings are my accountability. Having a group there to support you when you're struggling & celebrate with you when you do well is fantastic.

That's also a reason that I joined the Healthy You Challenge. I haven't had the chance to make it to everyone's blog yet, but I'm working on getting everyone inputted into my google reader (a great little tool that I just now discovered... I had no idea this thing existed, and it's great!). I hope everyone else had a good week. And if you didn't, then let this week be your week! If you're new to my blog, please introduce yourself, I'd love to do the same for you!

Focus

This has been a really good weekend for me. Sometimes the weekends are harder to stay on track, but not this weekend!

Friday night after work I went out w/some friends for a drink & dinner. I got a martini, but only drank half. Then I ordered a burger & fries, but left fries on my plate. It was a splurge for the burger, but I had the points for it & worked it in! That night Mike & I went to see a band play, and I just drank diet cokes instead of loading up the points w/alcohol.

Saturday I cooked a couple different things. I made some chocolate mousse w/SF-FF pudding & cool whip free. I also tried out a lemon/garlic shrimp recipe. I will tweak things next time, but it was pretty good on top of wheat pasta. Then for dinner I made my stuffed burgers. Those are always a hit, and they make so many! I cooked most of them & froze 3 to thaw & cook later.

Today I decided to head to a nearby town (where I went to college) to go shopping. They closed the Lane Bryant in my town until they get a new location, so I have to travel about 45 minutes to the nearest one. I really needed a new bra and a couple shirts. Sometimes you'll have really good shopping days when you try stuff on & you're really happy with it, and sometimes you'll have the kind of shopping day where nothing fits, nothing looks good, etc. The last time I went shopping there, it was one of the bad days. This time though, I had success!

And I also had a big NSV. I got 4 shirts, and they were all 18/20s!!! I definately have the perception that I'm still bigger than I am. When I look at an 18/20 top, it looks too small to me, I think I won't fit in it. And when I put it on, I convince myself it must be too tight... because I dont' wear 18/20s. Oh, but I do! If I had been more interested in the research aspect of my degree (I have a bachelor's in psychology), I would be very interested in studying individuals that had lost good amounts of weight. I'd be interested in their perceptions of clothing sizes as well as other size-related things. For example... if a bench is full of people & there's only a space between 2 people, I don't think I'll fit, when in reality my body would fit. I just still have the perception that I'm wider than I am. Anyway, taht was just a random little tidbit.

It was interesting b/c I just wrote about how when I lived in Bloomington I ate out all the time... and I found myself right on the strip of restaurants that I used to always travel to. It was lunchtime, and I saw the Steak n Shake, Taco Bell, Culvers, and Dairy Queen that I used to always go to. And I also saw a Subway, so that's where I went for lunch! No temptation to have the other stuff! And another amazing NSV... I didn't finish my wrap. I ate about 2/3 of it, and I wasn't hungry anymore. Instead of finishing it anyway, I just stopped.

So yeah, this was a really good weekend. I don't want to get my hopes up, since it hasn't been a full week since my last weigh-in, but I feel like I've been so on-track that I *might* reach my 40 pounds this week. Whatever happens though, it'll be ok. I know I've done good, and the NSV's show it!

This is what 18/20 tops look like on me!

Healthy You Challenge Introduction

I've decided to join Scale Junkie's Healthy You Challenge . We're all supposed to give some sort of introduction, or tell our "story" so to speak, so here's mine!

I don't remember a time when I wasn't overweight. I remember having to weigh in PE every year, and being so embarrassed for the person behind me to see that the big weight was at least one 50-pounds bracket above where everyone else was. As a kindergartener, I weighed in at 108 pounds. I have seen pictures of myself as a toddler, and I was average sized. Somewhere between my 4th & 6th year, I gained a LOT of weight. I have asked my mom why she thinks that was, and she doesn't really seem to know either. The only thing I can think of is that we moved during that time, and we became neighbors to my grandma. I spent a lot of time there, and as we all know, grandmas like to feed their grandkids. I think I probably just did a lot of eating, and it wasn't monitored like it should have been... hence the 108 pound kindergartener.

My weight continued to slowly climb as I got older. I don't think there was a single weigh-in in PE where I didn't go up in weight. We stopped the public PE weigh-ins after 8th grade, thankfully. That's about when my weight stabilized for several years. I was at roughly 280 pounds throughout high school, give or take about 5 pounds. No matter what I did, my weight stayed right there. I could watch what I ate, or I could eat crap... it didn't matter.

After high school I went to college. I actually lost 30 pounds the first semester of my freshman year w/o even trying. I went from zero activity to walking at least 2 miles per day, and sometimes 4 miles. I lived in dorms that were about a mile from my classes, and the only way to get there was to walk! I also ate a lot of subway because there was one in my dorm. So the combination of those things kept me from gaining the freshman 15.

My junior year, I moved into my own apartment. I thought this would be good for me, weight/food wise, because I'd have control over what I cooked. The reality of it though, was that I had a very busy schedule, and I rarely cooked. I got fast food usually at least once per day. And not just a burger... I'd get the burger/fries/drink value meal, then get ice cream on top of it.

My friend Melissa had mentioned to me that she and a couple other girls had joined WW. She was new to the program but she enjoyed it. I didn't give much thought to joining... I didn't really care that I was gaining weight & rapidly approaching 300 pounds. But one day, for whatever reason, that changed. I was driving to Dairy Queen, actually, to get some of the aforementioned fast food, and Weight Watchers happens to share the same large parking lot. Instead of going to the drive-thru, I went to WW. And of all the times I could possibly go, I just so happened to go when a meeting was going to be starting in about 15 minutes.

I fought back tears as I entered. I was so terrified. I filled out my paperwork & was greeted at the scale by a friendly, petite woman named Jill. My weight was 296 pounds. I was given my information & took a seat in the quickly filling room. I got out my cell phone & texted Melissa. She immediately called me and said that she was just pulling into the parking lot... this was the meeting she always attended! It was meant to be.

Over the next 4 months, I had a lot of success with the program. I lost about 35 pounds, but when summer came & Melissa moved back home for the summer, I fell off the WW wagon. Without someone to go to the meetings with, my motivation was falling to the wayside. Eventually I just stopped going.

Within a few months, I had gained back everything I'd lost on WW. Over the next couple of years, there were probably 2 or 3 more attempts at getting back on track, but they ended quickly. In July 2006, I met my now fiance. In October we moved in together... and our health seriously took a backslide. We were eating out multiple nights a week, and when we weren't eating out, we were ordering in. We both put on 30+ pounds over the course of the next year.

On August 21st, 2007 I made the decision to return to WW once and for all. I won't say that my upcoming wedding (we're getting married this March 22) was my motivation, but I did know that I didn't want to look back on wedding pictures & hate how I looked. So while that wasn't my only reason for joining, it was a perk, so to speak. I went to a Tuesday evening meeting & just clicked with my leader. She reminds me a lot of my first leader that I adored so much, and I think that helps. I knew my weight had definately climbed over 330 pounds, since that is the max my scale weighs. Anything above that simply reads "error" when you step on it. Yeah, tell me about it... some error that is! By the time I joined WW though, my weight was at 327.6 pounds. Since my first meeting, I have not missed a single week. With the exception of the holiday season, it really hasn't been that hard. I've had just a small handful of weeks that I experienced a gain (3 of them being betwen Thanksgiving & New Years!), but I quickly made up that ground. Since August I have lost 38.2 pounds!

I am making a conscious effort this time to follow good health guidelines, not just "stick to my points". Yes, it's true, you can lose weight by eating junk, as long as you only eat the amount of points you're allowed. But you don't learn a darn thing. That was my mistake the first time on the program... I used all my flex points for alcohol, and a lot of my daily points went to eating as much food as I could for the amount of points I was given. Not this time though! It's really a mental change that is taking place in addition to the physical one. Without that mental change, I don't see the point. Sure, I'd wear smaller clothes & weigh less, but without evolving mentally, I'm none the wiser.

So this introduction turned into QUITE the post, so kudos to you if you read it all! I look forward to meeting some others that may be doing this challenge & reading your intro posts as well!

Attention Please!

Since I've started posting again, I've noticed some new readers. Unfortunately I haven't sat down & surfed through your blogs & added you to my sidebar. If you read me regularly & are looking for someone else to give you some kind comments, then leave me a comment on this entry! I get the email notifications when someone's commented, and I dont' always check out their blog right away, then I forget to do it later... so please, introduce yourself if you're new to me, and I'll do the same for you!

Not what I expected

I went to WW tonight, even though I wasn't looking forward to my WI. The past 2 weeks I've had to go to a Thursday evening meeting instead of Tuesday evening b/c the past 2 Tuesdays have been holidays. Last week I gained 3 pounds. It was expected... it was the week after Christmas. This past week though, I've been sick & haven't cooked at all. I've eaten whatever was around & convenient, and it included ordering pizza twice. I didn't think I'd gained, but I definately didn't think I'd lost any weight.

So imagine my surprise when tonight I stepped on the scale & was down 2.8 pounds! I feel like I'm right on track now. I'm at 38.2 pounds lost so far! I'm not crossing my fingers for my 40 pound mark next week, since I'll be back to Tuesdays... and it's not a full week. But 40 pounds lost is getting close!

I feel like I'm back in the zone now.... I grocery shopped, I'm trying out some new recipes, I'm all fired up:)