Long update

*this is a long one... and one that is long overdue....*

I continue to lack in the blogging department. And I don't really know why, aside from lack of time to sit down and actually write anything meaningful. I used to write a lot at work, but for some reason, my blog is now a blocked site. I can still access just about everyone else's blogs at work, but just not mine. I browse through my google reader pretty much daily, but I've neglected quite a handful. The main reason being that they update so often, I feel as though I can't keep up. And that's pretty crappy of me, so I'm sorry! My method is to always check out my "originals" first. The ladies that I've followed since creating this blog. Even if I'm not commenting, odds are I am still reading.

So what's been going on with me? My main battle lately has been mental. I had this attitude in my head that I would never reach 50 pounds lost. And because of that, it took me a really long time to get from 40 to 50 lost. Well, I suppose "a really long time" is all relative, but compared to my previous losses, taking 6 weeks to lose 10 pounds is a long time for me. But I did it. And really, it seems so surreal to me. I mean, if I was talking to a stranger and they told me "I lost 52 pounds," I would be ecstatic for them! I'd congratulate them & let them know what an inspiration they are to me. But when it's ME that's lost that weight, I don't celebrate myself like that. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's almost like I don't believe that I've really accomplished what I have.

When I was in a relationship with Mike, I feel like I never saw myself ever reaching my goal. He always told me how much he enjoyed my curvy, womanly body. He always used to say that he didn't see beauty at 120 pounds, he just wasn't programmed that way. So, while I have no intention of ever wanting to actually be 120 pounds, knowing that if I lost some of my curves, he might not be attracted to me physically, was definately sort of a mental roadblock for me. And now that he's no longer in the picture, I still haven't quite kicked that roadblock to the curb.

I have started dating someone new. It was unexpected, and I wasn't trying, but it happened. And while it seems like I "moved on" quite quickly, perhaps if you knew the whole story, you'd understand why it wasn't that hard. I know that I haven't written about it on this blog, but I suppose I owe some kind of explanation. My cousin Amy sometimes reads this, and I don't believe she's aware of these details, as I asked my family not to share them with others (with my mom having 16 brothers/sisters, you tell one person something, and within a week, everyone knows!). I trust her with this information though, so I suppose it's time that I share.

In early January (the 14th), Mike lost his job unexpectedly. That was on a Monday. By Wednesday, he had decided he was going home to Alabama, without me. Decided just to drop me, just like that I suppose. Enter lots of heartache, blah blah blah. On his way to Alabama, he wrecked his car. I think I may have written about this? So I went to get him, he had to come back, we thought maybe we'd work on things. Well, eventually the heartache turned into doubt and worry. I was wondering what would stop him from just dropping me suddenly again, in the future. So while he made the initial decision to leave me & cancel our future together, I then decided that I could never trust him in the same way again & agreed now with his decision. The following Wednesday, I went to see a friend in Iowa. He was supposed to move all his stuff out of the apartment while I was gone. When I returned, some had been moved, but not all. He was no longer staying there though. The Monday after that (January 28), I returned home from work to find him in my apartment, asleep in my bed. He still had a key. Before waking him, I removed the key from his keyring. Then I woke him & told him he needed to get the rest of his belongings & get out. He refused, and I told him I'd call someone to escort him out then. Then he made a pretty stupid decision. One that of course he now blames me for, because that's how he is (it's always someone ELSE'S fault). He flew up out of bed and stormed down the hallway after me. Once in the living room, he puffed his chest out, pushing into me, walking forward (thus causing me to walk backwards), and this action pushed me down onto the couch. I told him calmly to get out of my face, and to leave now. He was completely out of control, in my face yelling, acting completely insane. Then he put his hand up in my face, in the shape of a fist. Then he punched me in the thigh. Out of reflex & defense, I hit him in the groin. He reeled back for a minute, but then that only made him more angry. I had stood up at this point, and he lunged at me again. I put my arm up to block him as he lunged at me, and that caused my shoulder to get hurt when his body slammed into it. He stormed out of the room & I ran out of the apartment & called 911. Cops came, he admitted to what he did, he was arrested, and he spent 4 days in jail. I went to court & got an emergency order of protection. Within an hour of getting out of jail, he'd all ready begun violating the order by calling me & leaving harrassing voicemails. The last straw though was when he called my elderly parents at 2 in the morning swearing at them and screaming at them. I'd had enough. So I called the cops on him again for violating the order. They listened to my messages (which were quite flavorful, let me tell you... he's really not too smart to be leaving harrassing & threatening messages as proof that he's off the deep end). Nothing ever came of it though. He wasn't arrested again, nada. Apparently my restraining order didn't do crap for me. Whatever. So this whole time, I'd been telling cops, the judge, anyone that would listen, that I thought he was suffering from a manic episode & needed psychiatric treatment. I've left out some big chunks, but just trust me... I've got a degree in psychology, and I know mania when I see it. He'd never been diagnosed as being bipolar, but I always believed he was. Though I'd never seen a manic episode from him quite like this. Sooo.... through a series of bizarre events that I won't go into right now, he finally was hospitalized & diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder. He spent a week in the behavioral services floor of a local hospital. While I realize it was his illness causing his behavior, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to speak to him, see him, whatever. It's unfortunate that things happened the way they did, but I'm certainly not sitting around thinking "woe is me".

Whew! So I didn't write all that for sympathy, pity, whatever... I just wrote it b/c I hadn't shared it on here & I thought I should. If you made it through all that, pat yourself on the back:)

So, as I was saying... I met a new boy. We've been spending a lot of time with one another, and it's nice. He's a change of pace, and I think we all need that... *insert clever transition*

Speaking of change of pace... I need to do something to change up my program. I have fallen into the rut that I didn't want myself to get in... and that's the rut of finding what is tasty & fits w/in your daily points & eat that... often. Meaning I've had a half turkey sandwich & a salad for lunch every day this week. When I first started my WW journey in August, I started this blog as a WW recipe blog... hence the name "Teale's Meals". I haven't shared recipes in quite some time though, and I'd like to get back to doing that. I'm thinking maybe even just a weekly post sharing the new recipes or items that I tried that week. The next couple months may not hold too much as far as trying new stuff goes, as I've recently gotten a 2nd job. It's just a temp job, 3 evenings a week from 6-10pm. So on those days, I work 7-530 at job #1, and 6-10 at job #2. And that does NOT leave time for any cooking! The extra money will be worth it though!

So anyway, this was insanely long, and if you are still reading, I'm surprised! LOL I didn't make it to my meeting on Tuesday b/c I had an out of town friend visiting (and I didn't really want to see the scale!), but I am going to a meeting tomorrow at noon. So, I'll give my weight update then!

Unexpected Victory

Well, this was rather unexpected. I always psych myself up for weigh-ins, thinking that I did worse than I did. I guess it's my "expect the worst, hope for the best" philosophy.

But I lost freaking 4.6 pounds!!! Which puts me at an even 52 pounds lost!!!!! I BROKE THE 50 POUNDS MARK!!!

HOLY SHIT.

I honestly didn't know if I would ever get there. The last 7 weeks have been a struggle, only losing a pound at a time, when I'm used to some bigger numbers once in awhile. Well, this was my week!

I DID IT.

New clothes!

So yesterday I was at the mall & stopped by a clothing store that we have here called Maurice's. They recently started carrying a plus-sized selection, although pretty minimal. They also do the silly sizing like some plus-sized stores do, where they don't just label them 16/18, 20/22, etc. They size them 1, 2, and 3. What the hell? Just tell me what size I am, I don't need this silly number system! Well, I guess that's just for their tops... their bottoms are sized regularly, although they do run small.

So anyway, in November when I met one of my goals, I bought a new outfit from there (the sweater seen in the Thanksgiving picture on my picture blog). I was wearing a 3 on top, and I was unable to fit into any of their bottoms. I haven't really shopped for an outfit from there since, but yesterday I decided to stop in.

I found a really cute blue top... kind of like a thin t-shirt, but very very cute. I grabbed a size 3. And I decided to give their jeans a try. They didn't have flares in a 24, so I grabbed the 22, feeling very doubtful that they'd fit. Well, the top turned out to be a pillowcase on me, so I had the sales person bring me a 2. I was skeptical that it'd fit though, for some reason. And so imagine my surprise when I put the 2 top on, in combination with the 22 bottoms, and it looked like this:



This is a very happy face:



Tonight is my weigh-in. Once again, I feel skeptical that I'll hit my 50-pound mark. I just haven't been trying as hard as I should. Just kind of been half-assing it enough to get by & continue to lose at least a little. We'll see tonight though. I weigh in at 6.

New 'Do

Today I chopped my hair off (about 5 inches) and got lowlights. My hair has gotten considerably lighter in the past year, and I missed my darker red hair. So, today I got it back!



What do you think?

HYC

So by some miracle or act of God, I lost weight this week. This week was worse than last week, food-wise. I mean literally, HORRIBLE. The past three days I was on track though... which is funny, because I say the whole week was horrible, and yet 3 of 7 days I was on track. Only FOUR days were horrible I guess. Still though, it was totally out of control. Saturday I ate all three meals out. And not even healthy meals. Crappy as they get meals.

I made it to the gym once this week. Better than none, right?

So tonight at my meeting I lost 0.8 pounds. It's coming off, tiny bit by tiny bit. I have been in the -40s for WEEKS. I'm ready to get over that hurdle! I can't even call this a "plateau" because the truth of the matter is, it's not a plateau when you're just being lazy. It's called "bad habits". And that's what I fell right back into this past week. But this is a new week & I'm rarin' to go!

I didn't stay for the meeting tonight. I was having dinner with someone so I needed to shower for that, plus my leader was gone so it was a different woman & I didn't care for her the last time I went to one of her meetings. This week was a monumental week though, it marked my 26th week on WW. That's half a year. And that's 26 weeks STRAIGHT. I haven't missed a single week this entire time. I think that's awesome. I was bummed my leader wasn't there to see that, but I'll tell her about it next week.

*sidenote* for those that asked, my coat is from Yohnker's (Bergner's/Carson's) and I got it in Iowa! It was on sale for $100 from $250. The only thing though, it's not the warmest coat I've had... but it's for sure the cutest!

My coat

I've been asked to post a picture of my new coat (like 2 weeks ago... lol). So I'm finally getting around to it. The pic is a little blurry, but you can get the general idea!

Long time, no... blog?

Yes, I have been MIA, as I mentioned I might be. Too much going on to maintain everything on here as well as maintain my personal life & end up with a bit of sanity remaining. I have tried to stop by a few blogs, but I have over 300 updated entries in my google reader, and it's quite overwhelming. So, if I haven't been to your blog in awhile, it's nothing personal.

This was a rough week for me. A LOT more is going on in my personal life than I care to share here. It's not that I feel I have to hide it, I just prefer not to discuss it at this point. I blogged about it in my other blog, and I had about 50 people all coming at me with questions, which was very obtrusive & overwhelming. I know that people that have questions are just concerned and want to understand the situation better, but I need to worry about myself, not about easing other people's minds. But, I digress.

I have been spending a lot of time with friends lately. And while this is fun and always a good time, it also usually equals eating out. And while I am perfectly capable of making smart choices, this past week I just didn't feel like it. I felt like just not worrying about everything that went into my mouth for one week. I figured I would gain several pounds. I was OK with that. I just wanted an easy, carefree week, as far as food is concerned. I think part of it is self-sabotaging. I am so close to my 50-pound mark, but it's a big mental hurdle to get across. I don't really have the words to describe it, but it's knowing that you've gone SO FAR, but also seeing that you have EVEN FARTHER to go. I am about to lose 50 pounds, but I am still going to weigh almost 280 pounds. Sometimes that's overwhelming, and sometimes for a brief period of time, I just want to forget about it. So, I did this week.

However, I must have done a TINY bit right, because I still lost .2 pounds. Two tenths of a pound. Better than a gain, let me tell you. I have been inching towards the 270s for what seems like forever, but it's coming, a tiny bit at a time. So my total lost since August 21st is now 46.6 pounds.

I ordered pizza last night after my meeting. Tuesday is usually my "splurge" meal after weigh-ins. I was going to get chicken tenders from a fast food place (Culvers actually has pretty points-friendly tenders), but it was like a monsoon outside, so I ordered pizza. I ate two pieces, but now I have this pizza looming at me from the fridge. I ate two more pieces for dinner tonight.

And then I went to the gym for the first time in a month. I worked out for at least an hour. Maybe an hour & 15 minutes. I did the bike & walked on the treadmill. It was a mild workout, but it was good. It was progress. I had plans to meet my friend at the gym at 7, but instead I went about 20 minutes early. She was running late, and I wondered if she was coming, but I just kept right on with my workout. Eventually she did make it and joined me, but even if she hadn't, I was going strong!

I don't know if 3.4 is too much of a loss to ask for this week or not. I've had several weeks in the past where I've lost 4+ out of the blue, after several weeks of slow losses or gains. So, I suppose anything is possible. If not though, I know I'll get there. I'll get there when I'm ready. And if next week is the week I'm ready, I know I'll be given the loss.