Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Not so good.

So those of you that were reading me a year to a year and a half ago know that I lost a good amount of weight on Weight Watchers. This wasn't the first time I'd lost a good amount of weight with the program, but this last time was the most I'd lost... I lost 53.4 pounds.

And I have gained every bit back, plus about 2 pounds.

I am disgusted and feel disgusting. I'm unhappy. I'm huge.

I should feel even more motivation to lose than usual, as I am getting married in three and a half months! I should be busting my ass to look good on my wedding day, right? Yeah, I'm not. And I don't really know why.

My apathy is startling.

I try not to throw myself pity parties, but it really really bothers me that I weigh more than Eddie does now. The boy is supposed to be bigger. Don't get me wrong, I'm INCREDIBLY proud of him for losing the weight that he has, but I do feel sad for myself a little that I'm just so totally unmotivated and lack an ounce of give-a-shit. I don't know WHY I am in such a funk about it.

I know I am capable of losing weight. I've done it several times. What is hard to think about is the fact that I HAVE done it so many times.... I feel like "well, yeah, I've lost it before... but it always comes back... I don't have what it takes to keep it off."

I know that weight loss surgery is something that a few women I read on here have either had done or are considering... and i believe that is a personal choice that everyone has to make... but it's just not a choice that I'm willing to consider. My personal choice is that I got myself into this mess and it's my responsibility to get myself out of... hopefully.

I just don't know where to start. I know that I need to just make the change and commit. I can't afford to join WW again, though I do have all my materials to do the program on my own... I don't know if I'll go that route or what. I'm just kind of lost. And it's like being fat allows me to stay lost... I don't have to figure it out... I don't have to solve the mystery of why I always end up back to where I was (and then some). But staying lost doesn't really get me anywhere...

The journey of a thousand miles, I guess...