Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I decided to evaluate my progress on WW since January 1st. I knew that I had lost, met some goals, then gained, gained, gained. I wasn't sure really what my weight even was at the beginning of the year, so I checked it out.

And I was able to see a pattern of self-sabotage.

The first 8 weeks of the new year, I successfully lost weight--every single week. On the 8th week, I crossed over the 50-pound mark of weight lost. Hooray! Then the following week, I had a gain.

The week after that, I lost again, and that put me at 53.8 pounds lost, which is the most I have lost so far. And every week since then, I have gained. That's 4 WW meetings, but I did miss 3. So, 7 weeks and I have made no progress. (I didn't go to my meeting last night, I'm going to go Friday... but I hope it's not 8 weeks with no progress).

Overall, I am 1.8 pounds lighter now than I was on January 1st. I suppose I should be happy about that. There is less of me. However, seeing it put out there is eye-opening. I have gone four months with pretty much no progress. If I want to see progress, though, I need to be 100% committed again. I know the program. I can give great advice to others about ways to try harder & ways to stick to the plan... but I can't seem to follow my own advice. Whine, whine, whine, I know, right?

I have just been lazy.

After the horrible breakup, I wanted to focus on anything BUT that, so I kept my head in the WW game, hardcore. It wasn't until a month after the breakup that I started gaining weight. That was about the same time that I met Eddie. New relationships also seem to be my downfall. Eating out, getting drinks, etc. When I started dating Mike, that's when I packed on 50 extra pounds. I worked hard to get them off, and I need to keep working hard to get more off.

I've gotten into the habit of saying "OK, tomorrow is the day, I'll just have one more bad day to get it out of my system". But that ONE MORE DAY just keeps coming. Even this morning, I thought "hmm, maybe I'll swing by McDonald's and get my LAST bad breakfast there." Why bother with one more bad thing though? Why not just stop?! So, I didn't go.

There are 4 months left until my WW anniversary. My goal for those 4 months is to lose 20 pounds. That would put me at 60 pounds lost. Initially, I wanted to hit my 75 pound mark by my anniversary, but 35 pounds in 4 months seems like a lofty goal, so I won't set my expectations that high. That would put me at 267.6 and I haven't seen the 260s in who knows how long.

So here's to the next 20 pounds!

Just for today.

I commit to staying totally on-plan today and also to getting 30 minutes of exercise.

I'm doing horribly. But just for today, I am going to do well. Then I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

This weekend I went on another binge. Went to the store and bought $30 worth of totally crappy food, just because it sounded good.

Last night I cleaned out the cabinets and fridge of the junk food I'd bought & I threw it away. Today I go to the store and get good-for-me food.

Just for today, I can do well.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


I have had a really rough 2 months with WW. I haven't been following the plan very well... well, not at all. Last week though, I recommitted. No more eating out 1-2 times/day, no more sugary pop at lunch... back to healthy stuff!I had a really good week, I thought. It was definately the best week (by far) since probably January.

My weekend was a little rocky... I ate out a couple times and I didn't record my food on the weekend (but did really well during the week). All in all though, I expected a loss of a couple pounds. I figured even though I had a couple little slip-ups over the weekend, it was leaps & bounds better than I had been doing.

So imagine my surprise, disappointment, and frustration when I weighed in tonight & had GAINED 2.2 more pounds.I have always been one to own up to my actions. If I'm not following the plan, it's not going to work... and the past several weeks, I've gained because I haven't even attempted to follow the plan. This week though, it just doesn't make sense. I did so many things good & right. And I have NOTHING to show for it.

I have officially gained 15 pounds this year. So excuse my eye roll when I get really nice comments from you ladies telling me how good I look. I know you wouldn't say it if you didnt' think it, but the fact is, my fat ass is 15 pounds heavier. And THAT does not look good.

I know that it's gonna take hard work to take it back off, and it's not gonna come off overnight. I know that. I'm just upset by this week's results. This is the first week that I've actually, genuinely been surprised by the scale. Ugh.

Keep on keepin' on, I suppose.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Body Shots

(not of the alcoholic kind!)

Just thought I'd post a picture of me & my boyfriend Eddie all dressed up! We had a formal to attend this past weekend, and we do look cute, if I say so myself!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Italian Sausage & Rotini

Here's the recipe for the DELICIOUS meal I made last night!

Italian Sausage & Rotini
4 servings/5 points each

3 Turkey Italian Sausage (3 points each=9 points)
3 servings whole wheat rotini (3 points/serving=9 points)
1 small can tomato sauce (about 1/2 cup=0 points)
1 can diced tomatoes--I used the onion/garlic flavor (about 1 cup=0 points)
1 small can mushrooms--I'd leave them out next time (1/4 cup=0 points)
1/4 cup lowfat parmesan (2 points)
Minced Garlic
Greek Seasoning (optional)

1. Cut up turkey sausage into desired size & cook in skillet sprayed w/cooking spray. Once sausage is cooked all the way through, add desired amount of garlic. I also like to add a little greek seasoning, but that's up to you!
2. Add tomato sauce, tomatoes, and mushrooms. Season with salt, pepper, etc to taste.
3. Cook 3 servings whole wheat rotini.
4. Combine sauce mixture and pasta, then add the parmesan cheese. Mix well & serve!

I divided this into 4 servings for 5 points each. The servings are pretty large, so if you made it into more servings, just adjust your points accordingly!

Day One

I did pretty well yesterday, if I do say so myself. Here are the things I did good:
--Ate breakfast at home instead of in our cafeteria. In the cafeteria, I had been getting a biscuit w/gravy & hashbrowns... every day. Yesterday I ate cereal w/skim milk & a banana cut up in it!
--Walked 5 minutes to & from work instead of taking the shuttle from the parking area to the door
--Logged all my food (even the chocolate I ate & shouldn't have)
--Cooked! (Recipe to follow)

I had one small slip-up yesterday, but it wasn't that bad. I forgot to take the chocolate into work yesterday, so last night I was putting it in a ziplock bag to put next to my purse so I wouldn't forget it... and without even thinking, I popped a truffle in my mouth. A 2-point-per-piece truffle. And then I lost control and ate 4 more. So, 10 points worth of crappy chocolate. But, I logged it, I used 4 flex because of it, and today I will do better.

This morning I cooked a couple eggs and had a piece of 1 point bread. I haven't had real eggs in so long though, that I'm not sure my body likes them. I feel a little indigestion coming on. Usually I'm an egg beaters gal, but this time I got regular eggs. We'll see.

Next entry will have my DELICIOUS dinner recipe!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Dear Old Self

Dear Old Self,

On August 22, 2007 I took a vow to leave you behind. At first it was easy. I was motivated to find the New Self, and I walked away from you pretty much without even looking back. I gave up your desire for greasy McDonald's, daily candy bars, and calorie-filled, sugar-loaded pop. New Self was winning the battle, and pounds dropped off. I think New Self lost 30 pounds in 3 months. It was a great ego boost, let me tell you. New Self was kicking Old Self's ass.

Around Thanksgiving time, Old Self, you tried to sneak your way back into my life. I tried to remain strong & remember how great New Self felt, but you were trying your hardest to be the boss in my life again. I fought back hard too though, and even though I didn't lose like I had been, I still came through the holidays weighing less than I did at the beginning of them.

The new year came, and New Self was feeling lazy and tired... you are a figher, Old Self... You were really fighting to win my life over again, and I felt exhausted from fighting you! I went through some tough times in my personal life starting in January, and New Self started to feel defeated. Why bother? New Self tried to at least hold on a little through the storm, but Old Self, you seemed to be getting stronger.

Eventually New Self gave up. New Self was tired of fighting and it was easier to just back down and let you take charge again. I thought that New Self had totally hit the road, never to be seen again. Old Self, you have been ruining my life. You have got to go. I'm not happier with you around, and I'm certainly not healthier. Sometimes we keep old friends in our lives just because they've been there for so long. They might not be the best thing for us anymore (maybe they never were), but we feel attached to them in a very strong way. Well, Old Self, you are not my friend anymore. It's time to say goodbye.

I think in August, I really just said "see ya later" to you, but this time, I have to say goodbye for good. We can't meet again in the future, not if I want to be a healthy person and have New Self in my life. We have to close this chapter. You've been a close friend, Old Self, but I can't say you've been a "good" friend. You've been there for me when others weren't, but I know New Self will eventually be stronger than you ever were. It will just take time for New Self to thrive. But the good news is that even though you returned, New Self didn't really abandon me like I thought. Somehow, New Self held on through the rough waters lately, because she wants to be my best friend now.

New Self has grown her wings. It's time to fly.


Come Clean.

I feel like an alcoholic who has had a relapse. The kind of alcoholic that KNOWS what they're doing isnt' healthy, and KNOWS what they need to do to get better (stop with the bad behavior), and KNOWS the tools to beat their addiction, but somehow gets lost.

That's totally how I feel--lost.

To be honest, I think that the whirlwind of my first few months of the year have finally caught up to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad or upset about my breakup situation... in fact, it's just the opposite. I have a new boyfriend who I am 100% CRAZY about, and I just kind of felt like right now I don't mind being the fat happy girl with a boyfriend.

It's kind of a feeling of helplessness, because only I can help myself... words from others (while appreciated) will not make me get back on my feet any easier or faster. I've talked to my friend Melissa about it, and we set a goal for ourselves for our WW anniversary that's coming up in August. We're going to go to a concert, and by the time that concert is here, I'd like to be at 75 pounds lost. The unfortunate part is that I've probably gained 15 since the last time I lost at WW.

I am disappointed in myself. I totally fell back into old habits. I can't tell you the last time I went to the grocery store, or even the last time I cooked. I've turned back into that fast food junkie.

Oh, and the chocolate... don't get me started on the chocolate.

It's embarrassing, beyond belief embarrassing, but I have to say it so that it's out there... We ordered a big box of truffles for the wedding favors. 180 truffles to be exact. And about a month ago, I opened the box. It had remained unopened for awhile, I was hoping to sell them... but I made the mistake of having "just one". And now, the truffles are probably 2/3 gone. I've shared some, but the majority was me eating them. By the handfuls.

It's disgusting.

I've been avoiding this place b/c I don't want to be the Debbie Downer of the group & be the kind of person that says "woe is me" and doesn't do anything about it. I recognize that I need to do something about it, but I feel like I'm under a spell or something. My strength to say "no" diminished recently, and I'm trying to fight hard to stay above the water... I'm not trying very hard I guess...

Oh, I don't know, that's just where I stand right now. I need a plan.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Lost my focus

So a lot of the ladies that I'm reading right now seem to have gone through a similar funk that I have been going through recently. Many of us started our journey at about the same time... perhaps this is the 6-8 month lull?

I have had a really really horrible 2 weeks. And for about 2 months before that, I was just half-assing it. These past two weeks though, it has been a no-holds-barred bingefest. I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted while on vacation. Mistake number one. Then when I came back, I didn't get focused like I said I would. I gave myself permission to only "try" a little bit of core & still pig out when I wanted... UNTIL TUESDAY (my ww meeting day).

Well, it's Tuesday. I weighed in. And had a 6.4 pound gain since 2 weeks ago. I honestly expected more. I thought it was going to be at least 10. I know that 6 pounds will come off with some hard work and focus.

I've honestly been wondering if I should see someone about my food issues. It's like I have blinders on and don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. The old habit of going to the drive-thru to get food late at night, the grabbing a piece of candy every time I pass the candy dish, the going down to the cafeteria at work every day to get a big lunch... these are habits that don't even register at the time that they're occuring. And similarly, good habits don't even register that they're missing. My friend texted me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the gym. THE GYM? I forgot I HAD a gym membership. I forgot that's something I SHOULD be doing. What the heck?! My most recent cause for bingeing lately has simply been boredom. How sad is that? Boredom.

So, tomorrow it's back to the grindstone. I asked my ww leader if I could get another copy of the getting started materials that they give you in week one. I gave all my stuff to my mom, so don't even have the materials to read over for the core plan. I'm unclear if the plan will be for me or not, but I figure I should try something.

Thanks to those of you that still stick by me, despite my lack of support for both myself and others right now. Mwah!