Wednesday, June 25, 2008


So it's interesting, I haven't posted in who knows how long, and I had forgotten that I hadn't even gotten around to it until Lyn sent me a comment today. I greatly appreciate her remembering me and coming by to check in on me. Which is something noone else has done. It's not that I went MIA to see who would notice... I went MIA because I continue to be a fatass and gorge myself with stupid foods that contain little to no nutritional value. That's why I've been MIA.

This place is a wonderful community if you're doing well, and pretty good still, even if you publicly struggle, but it's easy to be forgotten about if you drop off the blog world for a little while. I know I am guilty of it too, not checking in on people in my google reader that have been missing for a little while... but those people are probably the ones who need the encouragement the most. Those are the ones who need to feel a team of people behind them, pushing them up out of the black hole. They're the ones who need to feel supported & need to feel like others believe they can actually succeed.

Because right now, I don't. And I don't even care.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Accountability 6/11

Today was a bit of an indulgence day, but not overboard. We had an employee appreciation lunch, and boy was it delicious! Here's today's food, just so that I get back into the habit of keeping track.

(B)Toast, scrambled egg, sausage patty, cheese (8)
(L)2 big strawberries & 3 carrot sticks (1?), spoon of macaroni salad (1), 2 soft tacos (10)
(S1)Banana (2)
(S2)2 Rice Cakes (2)
(D)Tomato/Olive oil/Goat cheese, Broccoli, Wheat Spaghetti w/parmesan & spray butter (9)
(S3)Ice cream cone (3)
Total: 36

You know, I guess I didn't really do as badly as I thought I did... Yes, dairy is a struggle of mine... but one struggle at a time... fruits & veggies for today were pretty good, so that is a positive!

I had mapped out a 5K walk in my neighborhood for tonight, but I got off work a little early & felt like just relaxing. Tomorrow perhaps. I am participating in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Saturday. It will be my first 5K. I will be walking, but the point is that I will be participating! One of my 2008 goals was to do a 5K, so we can cross that off the list on Saturday!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Facing the music.

You know, that expression "Time to face the music" sounds a lot more glamourous than it really is. There was actually no music. Not even a little horn, or even a whistle. But figuratively, I did face it at Weight Watchers tonight.

I knew what it was going to say... I've been weighing at home & seeing that number rise and rise. So it wasn't going to be a surprise... I just didn't want to see that +15ish pounds that I knew was going to be written on my WW card. It turned out to be +14.4. In one month. Do you see how easy it is to put this stupid weight back on, yet so hard to take it off? ONE MONTH and I gained back what it takes people 2 or so months (at least) to lose! So, overall I am up 20.2 pounds from my lowest. That puts me at 294 pounds. Big old 294.

But, at least it's on paper, and it's a new starting point.

Day two also went very well, considering that having to face my weight, in addition to being told I didn't get a job I was vying (sp?) for... my instinct was "I want food". But I resisted, to an extent. I still did grab my baggie full of dry cereal when I felt mopey, so I was still eating emotionally, but it wasn't a bag of chips or a carton of ice cream. It was an improvement.

Today's food:
(b)Donut & orange juice (6)
(s1)Granola bar & banana (4)
(l)LC meal & salad (10)
(s2)dry cereal (3)
(d)Beef & broccoli (no rice!) & tomato w/olive oil & goat cheese (8)
(s3)Ice cream cone (3)
Total: 34

One day under my belt.

I actually did it! I stuck to something for a change! Granted, it was a day, but still... IT WAS A WHOLE DAY!

My menu ended up looking like this
(b)Cereal w/Milk (5)
(s1)Granola Bar & banana (4)
(l)LC meal & salad (10)
(s2) popcorn (4)
(d)Taco Salad & tomatoes/olive oil/goat cheese (10)
(s2)Ice Cream (6)
Total: 39 (I honestly don't know how many points I'm supposed to have b/c I haven't recalculated since my weight gain... It's right around this though, I'm sure)

That was one day of NO eating out, one day of tracking my food, one day of getting in multiple fruits/veggies, and one day of GOING TO THE GYM!!!

Let me just elaborate... I HATE THE GYM. HATE.IT. I wish I was one of those people that loved it, but really, I just don't. I told myself that I would committ to 20 minutes on the elliptical last night though, and20 minutes I did. It was the longest 20 minutes I'd had in awhile. After what seemed like ages, I checked the clock and it had only bee 6 minutes. SIX?!!? I thought sure it was like 16, but no. I wanted to just stop right there, but I kept going for 20 stinking minutes. I hate the gym.

Tonight is the Weight Watchers Meeting of Doom. (cue menacing music). I haven't been in a month... used to, after like 4 missed meetings, your membership was cancelled & you had to start from scratch. I'm not sure how it works when you pay by the month... My credit card continues to be charged, even when I don't go. I'm currently paid up through the 20th of the month... so if they try and tell me I have to start over, there will be hell to pay. I'm not starting over. I will committ to 2 more months on the WW program, which will put me at my WW anniversary. At the end of those 2 months, I'll reevaluate if I feel like spending $40/month and going to meetings is still helpful to me. We shall see.

I'm not making a gym committment today. If I have time this evening, I may go, but it's not pencilled in on the agenda.

Today's tentative menu:
(b) Donut & orange juice (6) *Breakfast was supposed to be cereal w/milk, but I got to work & it was employee appreciation day and they had a whole spread of donuts, bagels, etc. I got one donut w/very little icing and that's it. Go Teale.*
(s1) Granola bar & Banana (4)
(l) LC meal & salad (10)
(s2)Banana or dry cereal or mini rice cakes (2)
(d) Beef & broccoli w/rice and tomatoes w/olive oil & goat cheese(10)
(s3) Ice cream Bar (2)
Tentative total: 34

Monday, June 9, 2008

Better weekend than usual

At this point, I need to celebrate small victories.

A usual weekend would be eating out twice for breakfast probably, then probably 3 times for lunch/dinner meals. This weekend I had one breakfast out & two other meals out. This is progress.

I also spent a good deal of time outdoors on Sunday (and have the sunburn to prove it!).

I bought new workout pants & new tennis shoes for the gym. Today I go. My goal is simply 20 minutes on the elliptical. Gotta start somewhere.

I am going to try very VERY hard this week to face my WW meeting on Tuesday. It's not that this program doesn't work for me, because it does. But I have not been doing my part. I have not even been doing my part 20% of the time. I have not been trying. So while there's no doubt in my mind that other programs work for other people... this works too, if YOU work it. And so it's my responsibility to work it.

Meal plan for today:
(b) Cereal w/skim milk--5
(s1) Granola bar--2
(l) Lean Cuisine meal & salad--10
(s2) FF frozen yogurt--3
(d) Taco salad--5
(s3) orange or banana--2
(s4) brownie or ice cream--5

Friday, June 6, 2008


I don't know what to do. I don't know why sometimes this just clicks & it's easy as can be, and other times it just doesn't. Why sometimes my heart & head say "get it together" but my body doesn't listen & goes through the motion of old habits. I don't know what to do anymore. If I keep doing what I'm doing, I WILL gain all my weight back.

It's probably not the right answer, but I thought about cancelling my WW subscription. Let's face it, I haven't been using it. But then in the back of my mind, I think about how one of my 2008 goals was to celebrate my WW anniversary in August. Which is only 2 months away. But what good is an anniversary if you're not working the program. And what good is an anniversary if you have gained back half of what you've lost.

I have become a person that lets one thing get me off course. Monday I was supposed to go to the gym w/my friend. She couldn't end up going, but another friend said she'd go with me. Well, at the last minute she backed out... so so did I. I did go grocery shopping, but I shouldn't have gone to the store that I did b/c they didn't have half of the stuff I had on my list. I was PMSing and literally almost cried in the meat aisle because they didn't have ground turkey. They also didn't have a number of other items that I wanted. So I got an effing pizza & some ice cream & called it a day. I stayed home sick on Tuesday, so I didn't go to my WW meeting. I just let these outside forces take over and control me.

I don't know what to do or how to fix myself at this point. I want to be back in the healthy mindset, but I'm just not there right now.

Tell me what to do, cuz I don't know.