Friday, May 30, 2008
Sometimes I think "Why bother?" or "It's just not worth it, this is too hard and too much work" or "even if I lost 100 pounds, I would still be obese, what's the use?". And those kinds of thoughts can make you sink lower and lower until you just don't really care at all anymore how you're doing. I haven't cared for months, really. Sure, I've had a few weeks of doing well and losing weight again, but I've definately had WAY more time this year on the flip side. So, I've decided to develop an action plan.
1. Go grocery shopping this weekend. Stock up on fresh fruits & veggies, and plan 3 meals for the week before grocery shopping so that I can be sure I have all the items I need. That way, I can't say "oh, I can't make dinner tonight, I forgot to get the _____".
2. Return to my weight watchers meetings on Tuesday night. I haven't been in 3 weeks. I know it's gonna be ugly, but I have to go. Plus, I'm still paying for it!
3. Start a gym regimen on Monday. My friend is joining with me, and we used to be really, really good about going 4-5 days a week after work. We'd meet there, run on the elliptical for awhile, then do strength machines together. We were really diligent about going, and I really didn't mind it. I can't remember why, but I know she stopped going after awhile, and I quickly followed. I have been up and down with my gym usage since then, but it was that summer that I was really committed. I went out last night and bought a new iPod shuffle--one of the clip ones. I think it's a good incentive to get back there. I like that it clips, because it's always been cumbersome to have a non-clipping mp3 player. I wouldn't have dared purchase an armband thing for my old mp3 player... I'd be worried it wouldn't fit my massive, expanding arm. So, the clip is really great. Plus it's a lovely shade of green, which I adore (although pink would have been nice to have as an option, Apple!).
4. Take swimsuit progress picture. I haven't taken any progress pictures since, oh.... February. And I went on the dreaded swimsuit shopping trip yesterday. Well, as much as you can call walmart a shopping trip. They had a surprising amount of really cute, fun, patterned swimsuits. Tankinis have always been my favorite... I like being able to mix tops & bottoms & get something that looks really cute. However... while walmart had a surprisingly vast selection of tops & bottoms... ALL their tops were halters with shoelace-thin strings to tie my D-cup breasts back with. Yeah, NOT happening. Not to mention, the back of the halter (you know, the part that goes around your midsection?) was SUPER low cut, so my back fat was out there for the world to see... I know I've seen some women that don't seem to mind the public back fat, but I am not one of them. So, I resolved to getting a 1-piece for the first time in like 10 years. I wasn't super happy with that, but I needed a suit, so what's a girl to do? It's still cute, and I think it's flattering. It's also a halter (what is WITH the halters this year?) but it's got a much thicker tie that seems to hold the girls in nicely. It's black, and has the little skirt on the bottom. I have mixed feelings about skirt-suits, but this one works out well. So, like I said, I am going to take a swimsuit progress picture. I think on my WW anniversary, I shall compare. That will be 3 months' progress.
5. Eat out only one time this week. This means ice cream too. If I eat dinner out, then no ice cream out... if I eat ice cream out, then no dinner out. Must be reasonable!
Who else wants to formulate their 5-step action plan? It's only 5 steps, whatever yours are, let's do it together!
Friday, May 23, 2008
In about 12 days, I have gone up 15 pounds on the scale.
I mean, I'm not surprised that I'm up, I take responsibility that I have been eating horribly, and exercising not at all. While my friends were here, EVERY SINGLE MEAL was a meal out. This just goes to show you how easily it is to slip and fall and totally keep on falling... 15 pounds?!!?
I need a life coach or something. Someone to take on all the crappy things in my life, someone to tell me what to eat, when to eat it, force me to get exercise. I've just become so apathetic.
And to be honest, some of the comments that people leave aren't anything I don't all ready know. Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way, but sometimes I wish people would just say "I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, I hope it gets better soon" instead of being preachy. I'm probably just being sensitive & people aren't REALLY being preachy, but that's what it feels like sometimes. Yeah, I know the formula for weight loss... I know this isn't it... and I know I'm not going to see positive results this way... others telling me that doesn't make it any more clear than it all ready is. I guess maybe misery loves company, you know? Hearing about other people that are struggling is comforting almost. Not that I want others to do badly, but at least then I don't feel like the ONLY one that's a great big failure. Again.
I have become one of those "After such and such, I'll be back on track..." and then I never do. Next thing I know, I'll probably be back up over 300 again. Sure would be nice if life was easier.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
After 5 days of eating out, they said they felt miserable, tired, and FAT. And, so do I.
I "allowed" myself this week off-plan with the committment to renew my attendance at going to the gym. My plan tonight is to go home & change right after work and head to the gym for a bike ride. My MP3 player is dead, so I will have no music to accompany me, but I'm able to read a book on the bike. I can't read on any other machines though, so it works out.
I don't even want to know what that scale says after a week eating nothing but junk. I guarantee you it's at least a 5 pound gain, and probably 80% of that gain is simply because of the sodium in all the take out we got.
I need to get some groceries, my fridge is pretty much empty. I have some stuff for a few meals, but I'm such a snacker & need some healthy snacks. Maybe after the gym.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Unfortunately this weekend I went a little crazy eating out. And when that happens, I have a hard time being good again on Monday. I'm sure I'm not alone here! Part of my problem is probably that I need to go grocery shopping, then that way there will be healthy things in my house & I won't be tempted to go out and get something. Oh well, it's a journey!
I have a friend coming to visit for a week. She and her friend are driving down from Canada & they'll be here tomorrow! She and I met online when we were 16, and we are finally getting the opportunity to meet! It's been a long time coming! Her visit will also equal a lot of eating out, for sure. I don't know that I'll make the healthiest choices while she is here, but I'd like to publicly make a committment--no matter how good or bad I do this week, once my friend goes home, I am going to start going to the gym again. My goal will be three times per week. So, starting next week, exercise is going to be my new best friend. I'm sure we will have a love/hate relationship.
I won't be able to go to my Friday morning meeting this week b/c I will be in Chicago. Maybe there is a morning meeting tomorrow that I can go to before my friend gets here. I'm afraid it may show a gain after my weekend recklessness, but, so goes life. You give half-assed effort sometimes & you'll get half-assed results.
I hope everyone has an enjoyable week!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
I have always known that when I reach my 75 pound goal, I will get another tattoo. That's been my reward for about 9 months now, and I have been looking forward to it. (A little fun fact about me--I have 5 tattoos, none of which you would know I have unless wearing capris or a tank top). I set that as my reward back in August, yet I didn't know what I would get. All I knew was that I wanted it to be a word that represented my weight loss journey. The word perseverance always came to mind when thinking of what word could encapsulate my hard work. I have since decided on a different word & have designed my future tattoo, but it will remain a secret until I meet my 75 pound goal. It is not this word, however. But I wanted to talk about this word.
What keeps us going? When we fall down flat on our faces, whatever our program may be, what is it that makes some of us shake ourselves off & get back up, and makes some of us feel dejected, like we'll never be able to do this?
I've been both of those people. I've had my moments where I wanted to stay flat on my face and kick and scream and cry and say "I don't wanna!". It's hard work to stick with something like this. And it's not fun sometimes. There are days when I want to say, "Screw you healthy food, I'm getting a pizza. And ice cream." And sometimes I do get pizza. And ice cream. Like yesterday. But then there are times when I say "You know what, Teale. It's your decision to be unhealthy, just like it's your decision to be healthy. And nothing worth having in this world comes easy, so get off your shrinking butt and get your chin up, we've got some work to do."
In my real life, I am a generally upbeat person. Sometimes I'll mope around in my blog & write about stuff that gets me down, but I usually put on a pretty good front. I am notorious for pushing others away when I'm having personal life struggles. I want to be the strong one. It's because I've always had to be. I can't say where all my personality traits came from or began, but I can absolutely tell you where this one comes from. When I was 16, my dad passed away suddenly. My mom was obviously devastated, as was I, but because she was falling to pieces, someone had to stay strong. And that person was me. When I would go out and get our groceries or run our errands, people would always ask, "How's your mom doing?" but never EVER would they ask, "How are you doing?" Since noone asked, I learned to keep how I was feeling bottled inside. And to this day, I still do it.
But Thursday I was really having a hard day. I was off work, and just feeling really miserable about a lot of things in my life. The main thing is my extreme unhappiness with my job. Extreme. That is sort of at the root of things, and it makes me not want to make my effort where Weight Watchers is concerned. I stayed home all day on Thursday, in my pajamas. I didn't want to do a single thing but mope. I ate like crap, more or less, and you know what, momentarily, it DID make me feel better. But after I ate that pizza, I still felt just as shitty, if not more, than I did before eating it. It was just one of those days where I felt like throwing in the towel.
But I'm not. I will persevere.
Only I have the power to make me into the person I want to become. Outside forces, no matter how powerful they seem at the time, are not responsible for me going off plan. I am responsible for that. And there are still going to be days when I want to quit, and there are still going to be days, I'm sure, where I eat something I shouldn't, in quantities I shouldn't... but the more important part is what I do after I make that bad decision. It's whether I decide to be the person that stays on the ground after I've fallen, or the person that stands up, dusts herself off, and keeps on trying.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
And since then, ALL I can think about is ordering a pizza.
Now, having pizza for dinner in itself would be bad enough for me, because I know I would overeat... but I have ALREADY had dinner, so ordering pizza would be ridiculous.
But it's all I've been thinking about.
I had a 1pt WW cookie. I drank water. I still want the pizza.
Why do I want the stupid pizza? I want to lose weight. But right now, I want to taste the pizza more.
So I asked myself, what is it about the pizza that makes you want it so badly... and it's honestly just how happy tasting something good would make me. Today was a bad day. I hate my job with so much passion it's unbelievable. Today was just one more of those awful days at that hellhole. Eating some tasty pizza would make me forget about how much I hate my job. Eating some pizza would make me forget the misery. Momentarily.
Eating pizza would also bloat me like no other. It would put me over my points for the day. Then there would be leftovers and I would be tempted by them tomorrow.
I'm almost in tears here. WHY am I like this? Normal people are NOT obsessive like this about stuffing their feelings with food.
I've tried doing other things tonight. I have watched TV, I've read my book, I've played games on the computer, I've BLOGGED. But still, there's this whisper in my ear... orderpizzaorderpizzaorderpizza.
I know what I should do, but I don't know what I will do.
What I'd like to do is get some new, updated bloggers on there... so what I'd like you to do is reccomend to me 3 favorite blogs that you read. Tell me why you read them (inspirational, entertaining, etc), and don't forget to give me the link or url address to their blogs so I can stop by and read them & add them to my google reader! I realize that you don't know what blogs I read all ready, so I may get some reccomendations that I all ready have bookmarked. That's OK! And if you want to reccomend more than 3, have at it!!!
Let me have it:)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
My weekend started off pretty good. I made good decisions at dinner & at the movies. Things went a bit downhill Saturday, but still not unsalvagable, I don't think. I had leftover spinach quiche for breakfast (8 points), had McDonald's as my only option for lunch, but got a plain McChicken (8 points), then had a wedding reception to go to where I made relatively good choices totalling 10 points. So, that left me with 10 daily points and my 35 weekly points... and there was an open bar.... I would imagine that I drank about that, too. I did NOT however, have any cake! We also got White Castle for the drunken ride back to our hotel... I'd never had it before, but let me tell you, I want more. I don't even know the points on those little suckers. But I ate 2. But, that was just one day, and Sunday I did better. I didn't eat much all day b/c we were on the road, then dinner was at Red Lobster for my mom's birthday. I could have made a better decision, but the fact was that it was dinner time & I'd used 4 of my daily points, so I got what I wanted.
But, the weekend is over, and now I'm back to focused eating & logging everything that goes in my mouth! I am GOING to exercise today. Period. I took the stairs down 16 flights of stairs today all ready... that's something. Yes, going up them would be more of a workout, but I don't really want to be sweaty at work! Tonight I'm making porcupine meatballs (ground turkey meatballs w/rice in them, covered w/FF cream of mushroom soup). I think Instead of the rice though, I may use some spinach & onion that I have in my veggie drawer that I don't want to go to waste. That would lower the points AND I'd get use of my veggies. That may just be a plan!
I am going to continue to go to Friday morning WW meetings (as long as I continue to have Friday mornings off). I was feeling a little burnt out on my leader. She's really upbeat & nice, but I've come to realize she's really spacy & ditzy, and it's started to get on my nerves. The Friday lady is a little different. She's quieter, but she's very encouraging, and I think maybe even just a few weeks away from my other woman might be enough to get me back to Tuesdays eventually. I miss the Tuesday crowd, but I need a break! So, fingers crossed that Friday morning brings good results!!!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
But let me tell you how much it motivated me to see the scale down 6.6 pounds!
That was definately what I needed. I feel less forlorn about the fact that I was up 13.8 pounds from my lowest... I just cut that in half!
Last night I faced some challenges, but I think I handled them very well. I went to dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant with a friend. I had only a few chips with salsa, instead of half the basket. I had iced tea instead of a margarita. And I had a shrimp fajita quesadilla instead of cheesy chicken enchiladas w/rice & beans. And I didn't eat it all. I used maybe 1 tsp of guac & sour cream instead of the 1/4 c. they give you of each. I did good.
Then was the movies. Movie popcorn is something I absolutely LOVE. Something I will NOT give up, but will have only in small amounts now. Instead of getting the extra large tub with tons of butter, I got the small. Instead of getting a box of snowcaps & eating them, I brought a 100 cal pack of the oreo candy bites with me. Instead of a huge full-sugar & calorie pop, I got a small diet. I did good again!
I think I am finally back in the game!
I think that a lot of the friends that used to read me have maybe stopped. That's to be expected when I disappear for some time, but hopefully that encouragement will return, because it certainly is helpful!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Today has been another good day food-wise.
Breakfast: cereal w/milk
Lunch: Banana, salad w/feta, croutons, tomatoes, and light 3 cheese ranch dressing, 100 cal pack
Snack: mini rice cakes
Dinner: tomatoes w/feta & olive oil, broccoli, grilled ham & cheese, and baked bbq lays
I still have 10 points left for the evening. I will probably have some cheese & crackers later this evening before bed.
Last night I mixed 1 spoon of peanut butter w/some banana cream pie yogurt for a tasty pb-banana concoction. Would make a good fruit dip.
I weigh in tomorrow at WW. Tuesday is usually my weigh in day, but after the horrible time I'd been doing, I just couldn't face it. So, Wednesday & Thursday were good, OP days. While they won't erase the bad ones that I had before it, I'm hoping that they at least allow me to maintain. I can't handle ANOTHER gain. This will also be a morning WI, and usually I do evening ones... so, maybe that will help.
I will be using all my flex on Saturday... Eddie and I have a wedding to go to... with an open bar. My plan is to stay away from the fruity, sweet mixed drinks. And the wine, because it gives me a headache. Light beer & diet pop w/liquor will be my drinks for the evening. Must remember to make smart food decisions after drinking.
But I will say no.
It's not in my plan for today.
I WILL SAY NO.
Yesterday went very very well. I did not get in my exercise, which is unfortunate, but I did a lot of other things right, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. For my first day back on plan after many off-days, I think I did pretty well. My menu obviously needs some tweaking, but this was a vast improvement. Here's yesterday's menu:
Morning Quaker Minis (2)
Smart Ones (6)
Grape tomatoes w/feta & olive oil (2)
Wheat spaghetti w/spray butter & parmesan (5)
2 WW cookies (2)
100 cal pack (2)
Peanut butter (2)