Perseverance

per·se·ver·ance
–noun
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I have always known that when I reach my 75 pound goal, I will get another tattoo. That's been my reward for about 9 months now, and I have been looking forward to it. (A little fun fact about me--I have 5 tattoos, none of which you would know I have unless wearing capris or a tank top). I set that as my reward back in August, yet I didn't know what I would get. All I knew was that I wanted it to be a word that represented my weight loss journey. The word perseverance always came to mind when thinking of what word could encapsulate my hard work. I have since decided on a different word & have designed my future tattoo, but it will remain a secret until I meet my 75 pound goal. It is not this word, however. But I wanted to talk about this word.

What keeps us going? When we fall down flat on our faces, whatever our program may be, what is it that makes some of us shake ourselves off & get back up, and makes some of us feel dejected, like we'll never be able to do this?

I've been both of those people. I've had my moments where I wanted to stay flat on my face and kick and scream and cry and say "I don't wanna!". It's hard work to stick with something like this. And it's not fun sometimes. There are days when I want to say, "Screw you healthy food, I'm getting a pizza. And ice cream." And sometimes I do get pizza. And ice cream. Like yesterday. But then there are times when I say "You know what, Teale. It's your decision to be unhealthy, just like it's your decision to be healthy. And nothing worth having in this world comes easy, so get off your shrinking butt and get your chin up, we've got some work to do."

In my real life, I am a generally upbeat person. Sometimes I'll mope around in my blog & write about stuff that gets me down, but I usually put on a pretty good front. I am notorious for pushing others away when I'm having personal life struggles. I want to be the strong one. It's because I've always had to be. I can't say where all my personality traits came from or began, but I can absolutely tell you where this one comes from. When I was 16, my dad passed away suddenly. My mom was obviously devastated, as was I, but because she was falling to pieces, someone had to stay strong. And that person was me. When I would go out and get our groceries or run our errands, people would always ask, "How's your mom doing?" but never EVER would they ask, "How are you doing?" Since noone asked, I learned to keep how I was feeling bottled inside. And to this day, I still do it.

But Thursday I was really having a hard day. I was off work, and just feeling really miserable about a lot of things in my life. The main thing is my extreme unhappiness with my job. Extreme. That is sort of at the root of things, and it makes me not want to make my effort where Weight Watchers is concerned. I stayed home all day on Thursday, in my pajamas. I didn't want to do a single thing but mope. I ate like crap, more or less, and you know what, momentarily, it DID make me feel better. But after I ate that pizza, I still felt just as shitty, if not more, than I did before eating it. It was just one of those days where I felt like throwing in the towel.

But I'm not. I will persevere.

Only I have the power to make me into the person I want to become. Outside forces, no matter how powerful they seem at the time, are not responsible for me going off plan. I am responsible for that. And there are still going to be days when I want to quit, and there are still going to be days, I'm sure, where I eat something I shouldn't, in quantities I shouldn't... but the more important part is what I do after I make that bad decision. It's whether I decide to be the person that stays on the ground after I've fallen, or the person that stands up, dusts herself off, and keeps on trying.

Persevere.