Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Come Clean.

I feel like an alcoholic who has had a relapse. The kind of alcoholic that KNOWS what they're doing isnt' healthy, and KNOWS what they need to do to get better (stop with the bad behavior), and KNOWS the tools to beat their addiction, but somehow gets lost.

That's totally how I feel--lost.

To be honest, I think that the whirlwind of my first few months of the year have finally caught up to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad or upset about my breakup situation... in fact, it's just the opposite. I have a new boyfriend who I am 100% CRAZY about, and I just kind of felt like right now I don't mind being the fat happy girl with a boyfriend.

It's kind of a feeling of helplessness, because only I can help myself... words from others (while appreciated) will not make me get back on my feet any easier or faster. I've talked to my friend Melissa about it, and we set a goal for ourselves for our WW anniversary that's coming up in August. We're going to go to a concert, and by the time that concert is here, I'd like to be at 75 pounds lost. The unfortunate part is that I've probably gained 15 since the last time I lost at WW.

I am disappointed in myself. I totally fell back into old habits. I can't tell you the last time I went to the grocery store, or even the last time I cooked. I've turned back into that fast food junkie.

Oh, and the chocolate... don't get me started on the chocolate.

It's embarrassing, beyond belief embarrassing, but I have to say it so that it's out there... We ordered a big box of truffles for the wedding favors. 180 truffles to be exact. And about a month ago, I opened the box. It had remained unopened for awhile, I was hoping to sell them... but I made the mistake of having "just one". And now, the truffles are probably 2/3 gone. I've shared some, but the majority was me eating them. By the handfuls.

It's disgusting.

I've been avoiding this place b/c I don't want to be the Debbie Downer of the group & be the kind of person that says "woe is me" and doesn't do anything about it. I recognize that I need to do something about it, but I feel like I'm under a spell or something. My strength to say "no" diminished recently, and I'm trying to fight hard to stay above the water... I'm not trying very hard I guess...

Oh, I don't know, that's just where I stand right now. I need a plan.


Hanlie said...

This honest, open post is the first step! Well done for doing that, Teale!

Okay, so you're in a hole right now. Forget about what you should do for a moment and sit down and ask yourself what you are feeling. Have an honest conversation in the mirror and ask yourself why you think you don't deserve to be fit, healthy and vibrantly alive. Why are you punishing yourself? If it makes you uncomfortable or sad, examine those feelings. Once you can get to a stage where you realize that you deserve better, you can start digging for the resolve you displayed before and you can start doing the right things again. But you need to get it clear in your mind that living well, losing weight and getting fit and healthy is not a punishment, it's an incredible privilege.

This may sound like a load of hogwash, but you know that if you start dieting now, you'll be doing it from a position of guilt and desperation. That's just setting yourself up for failure!

I have every confidence in you! You're a brave girl and you can do this! And you should, because you deserve to be healthy and live your best life.

Felicia said...

Your not the first one to do that and for sure not that last! I think we have all done something like that in one way or another. Mine was swedish fish. A HUGE bag from Costco that I managed to hide from everyone and eat eat eat until gone. But you just pick yourself back up ( toss what candies you have left lol ) and keep going!! The only failure is to quit.

I know you can do this. I just KNOW it!! One foot in front of the other and march march march.


Scale Junkie said...

I've been there. Its hard to get back up again when you fall down but you can get back up again.

If its too overwhelming then ease back into it. Make one healthy change per week until it becomes part of your lifestyle again.

You can do this and you are so worth doing it for!

Heather said...

Im glad you are back! you shouldnt feel like a debbie downer..just the opposite. you are taking back control and I know you can do it. I know how easy it is to just stop putting effort into this, because some days I feel like I want to just sit down and not track my meals or plan them or worry about what Im going to eat out at dinner,etc. It is EASY. dont take the easy road. you CAN still be the happy girl in a relationship, a happy HEALTHY girl in a relationship. because that is really what it is about. sure we all want to lose weight and look good, but dont forget about that health aspect. that will catch up to you and you have already accomplished so much, I know you can continue this. we are all hear for you so pop in more so we can cheer you on!

Krystle said...

Teale, I'm going through the exact same thing right now... I hear ya girl, 100%.

Check out my post from today... want to do a challenge? Well, not so much a challenge... but you know, just someone to help keep you on track.. let me know... leave a comment on my blog if you'd like to! (Or, anyone else that would like to for that matter!)

Lyn said...

I am SO glad to see you back (including your more recent, inspiring post). I was wondering where you were. Just remember, a lapse does not a relapse make!