Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Not so good.

So those of you that were reading me a year to a year and a half ago know that I lost a good amount of weight on Weight Watchers. This wasn't the first time I'd lost a good amount of weight with the program, but this last time was the most I'd lost... I lost 53.4 pounds.

And I have gained every bit back, plus about 2 pounds.

I am disgusted and feel disgusting. I'm unhappy. I'm huge.

I should feel even more motivation to lose than usual, as I am getting married in three and a half months! I should be busting my ass to look good on my wedding day, right? Yeah, I'm not. And I don't really know why.

My apathy is startling.

I try not to throw myself pity parties, but it really really bothers me that I weigh more than Eddie does now. The boy is supposed to be bigger. Don't get me wrong, I'm INCREDIBLY proud of him for losing the weight that he has, but I do feel sad for myself a little that I'm just so totally unmotivated and lack an ounce of give-a-shit. I don't know WHY I am in such a funk about it.

I know I am capable of losing weight. I've done it several times. What is hard to think about is the fact that I HAVE done it so many times.... I feel like "well, yeah, I've lost it before... but it always comes back... I don't have what it takes to keep it off."

I know that weight loss surgery is something that a few women I read on here have either had done or are considering... and i believe that is a personal choice that everyone has to make... but it's just not a choice that I'm willing to consider. My personal choice is that I got myself into this mess and it's my responsibility to get myself out of... hopefully.

I just don't know where to start. I know that I need to just make the change and commit. I can't afford to join WW again, though I do have all my materials to do the program on my own... I don't know if I'll go that route or what. I'm just kind of lost. And it's like being fat allows me to stay lost... I don't have to figure it out... I don't have to solve the mystery of why I always end up back to where I was (and then some). But staying lost doesn't really get me anywhere...

The journey of a thousand miles, I guess...


Lyn said...


Teale, I am really happy that you came and reported in! And glad you are getting married so soon. I know th feeling of a regain like that. You know I've been reading you forever, and I have seen your strength. I've seen you drop pounds when you're determined so I know you have it in you girl! Believe in yourself. Just take that first step. Whatever path you take... WW, gym, calorie counting, whatever... it'll get you there. I'm cheering you on!

Hanlie said...

I'm with Lyn, cheering you on! I've always had a soft spot for you, so I really want to encourage you to start caring for yourself again. It will improve every area of your life... You can do it!

Heather said...

aw Im sorry! Its good to hear from you, but Im sorry that you feel lost. It is so exciting that you are getting married, but it also must be a lot to do so Im sure its hard to focus on weight loss and a wedding at the same time. I know that you will find something that works for you. I wouldnt go back to something that youve tried before because if it worked for you, you would still be doing it now. I think its about finding the balance - between food and exercise. If food is something you are not ready to tackle, maybe focus on exercise. its getting so nice outside, so perhaps you should start small and just go for a walk with eddie every night. soon it will be a routine and every bit like that helps. Of if food is an easier place to start, try small changes there. Instead of buying a bunch of snacks that might be unhealthy, try some new ones. you might like them even more. I know you like to cook so just make some substitutions with your cooking in that you dont use butter or something like that. Or just eat less of what you make and eat more of a side salad or vegetable. After losing weight, I dont think you need to make crazy changes in order to live a healthy lifestyle. I just think that you have a routine and one that you are comfortable with with eddie, and you need to just step outside of that and begin some newer healthier routines. I have confidence in you!

Made To Shine said...

It's one of those things you'll hear a thousand times -- you are your own worst enemy. Acknowledgling and addressing your lack of motivation puts you miles and miles into your journey. Like you said, you've done this before -- remember that and know you can do it again, for good.

Chubby Chick said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've lost and then regained so much weight since I started blogging that I can't even keep track of it! Heck... I've been doing that since I was 13.

What really woke me up was when I stepped on the scale this past February and realized that I weighed 400.8 lbs. I knew that I had to do something IMMEDIATELY.

I wish losing weight were easy... but it takes much effort on our part. And I KNOW that you can do it. And you WILL do it when the time is right. And I'll be here with you every step of the way! :)

Congrats on your upcoming wedding... and know that you are beautiful no matter what you weigh! :)

Lyn said...

How ya doing Teale?? Hope all is well...

Hua said...

Hi Teale,

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NewMe said...


I know you're in a pretty difficult head space, but I invite you to drop by my blog and read a bit about non-dieting, intuitive eating, whatever you want to call it.

I'd love to have you visit.