Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I have to make changes. That's all there is to it. I have made them before, what was it that changed and caused me to throw practically ALL of my hard work to the wayside? My weight and food battle HAS to be emotional. I recognize this. I can name what the problem is, but I'm unsure how to tackle the problem. I have a degree in psychology, so I can analyze this all I want, but until I find my solution, I fear that every effort will have the same conclusion. So this time, I have to have a different focus.

So let's examine things... I had a pretty great upbringing. Grandparents raised me, did a wonderful job. Parents were always a part of my life, just not full-time. This really didn't cause me any great distress or feelings of abandonment. I always felt loved. Somewhere between my 4th and 5th year, I went from an average looking toddler to a 108 pound kindergartner. It was during this year that we moved next door to my great grandma. At her house, I was given free reign to all the cheese and bread/butter I wanted. No tragic event happened, no great distress in my childhood... In fact, I was surrounded by family a lot of the time. I had friends. But I still got fat...

I was talking on the phone to a fellow weight-watcher, my friend Melissa about a week ago, and we talked about how our attachment to food has never been normal, even as children. I remember sneaking to the cookie jar & trying not to let the lid clink against the lip of the base when I tried to steal a couple cookies. I don't know why I felt the need to sneak, because odds are, if I would have asked, my parents would have permitted me to have the cookies. But even as a 7 or 8 year old, I felt shame attached to the fact that I was eating bad stuff. I was never scolded about this from my parents, they never talked about how I was fat or how I needed to eat healthier.

The ridicule always came from kids at school. I got used to it. I didn't have bad self-esteem, I just brushed off the kids (who turned into teens and then adults) who would make comments or jokes about my weight. They were just words, and my parents always instilled the "sticks and stones may break my bones" mentality.

I had a lot of friends growing up. I wasn't outcast because I was overweight. In fact, my personality was stellar and most people liked me. I was the funny fat girl. I could have an attitude if necessary, but I could also be sweet as pie. People knew who I was... ok, so it was a small school... people knew who everyone was:) I didn't have a serious boyfriend in high school, though I did get a little attention on a couple occasions, which was a nice change.

College was when I think I mistakenly thought that attention of any kind equaled good attention. I did end up meeting a couple winners out of the bunch and did have several relationships throughout college. During this time, I also joined WW for the first time and had success, losing about 40 pounds. Eventually, I gained it all back though. The summer after I graduated, I met Mike. We met in July, started dating in October, got engaged in February, and by April, I had gained about 50 pounds in about 9 months' time. In August 2007, I joined WW again. I was getting married in 7 months, and I wanted to look great. I ended up being very successful on the program. So successful, in fact, that I had to get a new wedding dress, because the one I purchased at my heaviest was over a full size too big now.

Then it all went sour. See old entries for gory details, but long story short, Mike called things off, there was a domestic battery charge, he went to jail, life goes on... I surprisingly still did very well with WW after all of that, and hit my 50 pound loss mark in February. This was the same time that I met the love of my life, Eddie. I met him when I was looking my best, and now here we are almost 6 months later, and I have once again gained ridiculous sums of weight. To the tune of about 40 pounds. He has also gained weight, and we talk about how we need to make changes.

For the first time in my life, I actually am uncomfortable in my skin. Even at my heaviest, I didn't see myself as that big. I was buying size 26 clothing, but it didnt' click that that was pretty large. I have always liked myself when I looked in the mirror, even if I wasn't totally thrilled with the package. Right now, I don't like what I see. I am very disgusted with myself. Earlier this year, I was looking the best that I ever had, and now I feel like I'm looking my worst. And this isn't just about how I look. I FEEL miserable. Bending over is a chore. Taking stairs is a chore. My back hurts, my knees hurt, I'm lethargic.

Enough is enough. While I don't know at this point WHY I continue to cycle like this, I need to search and get to the bottom of things, or else this will be a lifetime cycle.

My new goal for 2008 is to lose the weight I have gained since February. I am no longer going to attend WW meetings. I am going to do this on my own. There are other people that can do it, and I know I can too, if I put my mind to it.

I'm not usually a comment nazi, but I put a lot into this post, and I really can use all the encouragement I can get. If you've got any words of wisdom, or just a tiny little pat on the back to keep me going, I would appreciate it.


Heather said...

Go you! I think you are on the right track. I am finally in that place where I want to get serious about my weight loss and stop the yo-yoing.

And, like you, I'm putting it all on me this time. No gym memberships. No curves. No WW. No Nutrisystem. No lean cuisine. None of it. It's all me. Well, and my doctor. But that' a healthy thing.

You CAN do this. So can I. We can ALL do this. We just have to want it badly enough. No one ever does anything until they are properly motivated. With weight loss, I think the key is that we always "diet" and then we reach our goal, stop dieting, and gain it back.

So I'm not dieting anymore. I'm changing the way I live. Period.

I added you to my blog list. I'll try to remember to comment!

Keep at it!

Anonymous said...

I know you can do it too! Take it one day at a time, and remember that it will take time to form new habits. Sometimes it is one step forward and one step back, but keep going!

I think the fact that you are really looking at the cause and the "cylce" you will be able to get through this.

I'm happy for you and hopr you feel better physcially and mentally soon! Be proud of yourself for wanting to change what you don't like!

Kathy said...

If it's any comfort, please know you are not alone...there are many, many of us who deal with this weight thing every day. Some days control comes so easily that we think we have found the secret and are cured to only wake up the next day and have that feeling that nothing will do but to eat everything in sight and have no control at all.
Take some time and try to figure out how you can deal with the next 24 hours...set short term goals and deal with it one day at a time...and keep the blog. I think it is the best tool we have right now.

Anonymous said...

You are facing the problem and that's the very first step, so well done. You KNOW how to do this, as you have done it before and you have a great attitude. Keep blogging, make little changes one day at a time, and the weight will come off eventually.

Heather said...

I definitely have been there! the night before I joined LAWL last year, I was just panicking becuase I felt trapped in this horribly body and needed to get out. I didnt know waht to do or where to turn or how to stop the bad behaviors. So I hear you, and you should know that you can get out of this place that you are in. I think its great you realize this and have kind of hit a "rock bottom" so to speak, and now yo ucan move on and do what is right for you. Trust me, there is nothing magic about WW, LAWL, jenny craig, etc. I realized that when LAWL closed and I had to do this on my own. I was the one to do it. LAWL gave me a structure, but they couldnt sit with me at every meal and make sure I stayed on track. I know you will find the strength to really do this for yourself, rather than for anyone else, or because you have to weigh in in front of anyone, or because WW says you should be doing something, etc. Look to yourself and what works for you, and look to others for support and advice. We been there, succeeded, failed, etc. but we know what its like and are here to help.

Christy Ann said...

Like you, I have gained some weight back this year. Also like you, I have decided NOW is the time to deal with it. But instead of doing it alone as I have been (unsuccessfully), I'm re-joining WW tomorrow night.

Good luck. You can do it!

new*me said...

Everyone has to find what works for them. What works for me may not work for you. Here are some things I have learned that I want to share with you that are working for me right now:

Exercising first thing in the morning really helps

Eat little meals often....for me, I go no more than 3 waking hrs without a small healthy snack

Drink lots of water

Try not to sit for long periods without some movement.....move whenever and whatever you can

Getting that metabolism going will rev up the loss.

One day at a time :) and you will do it!!!

Anonymous said...

I feel every bit of your pain. I'm a size 24/26/28 (depending on the clothing line) and bending down, stairs, etc, is hard. I can't even buckle my shoes without effort.

But I'm also very proud of you, that you're taking a new page and writing hope on it. Emotional eating and bad habits characterizes a lot of us.

For emotional eating--I recommend the Beck Diet Method. I also recommend a lot of self-talk. As a psychology-trained person, you know the power of thought, of self-talk. Use it. From teh moment you get up, be your own cheerleader.

For the food--yes, you can do it alone. The majority of successful "losers" in the National Weight Control Registry did it on their own, no program, etc. They found out what worked for them (and there are lots of commonalities, which is why I recommend you look them up online).

It's wonderful that Eddie stands by you and shares your goals. I guarantee it's easier when your partner helps you. He wants to lose weight, so you share a goal to encourage, support, and keep each other away from junk.

Best of luck. I will look forward to seeing how well you and Eddie progress. I believe in you.

In us.

The Princess

MelRN said...

This is definitely a never ending battle. set small goals at a time...that makes it a little less overwhelming i guess...how about 5 pounds by the counting crows concert, which is 5 weeks away (or so)??


Scale Junkie said...

I'm right here with you in this battle for our lives, learning to put the past mistakes behind and look to the future. I know that there are no answers in a "diet" this is all about changing my life, for the rest of my life.

Lyn said...

I really enjoyed reading about your life, Teale. And I think it's wonderful that you have met someone who is loving and supportive. I am SO GLAD he is with you on this. Life is happier and eating right is easier with that kind of support!

You go! I can see it, you are going to do it :)

Chubby Chick said...

I'm in the same boat as you, Teale. I've asked myself a lot of those same questions, and I've gained back every pound I lost last year, too.

All I know is... this boat does NOT have to sink. We know what to do... we just need to do it! And I believe that we will!

We are learning as we go... and we've learned some valuable lessons the past few months. We just need to put into practice what we've learned... and the weight will come off.

Don't give up! I believe in you, girl! :)