Thursday, February 28, 2008

Long update

*this is a long one... and one that is long overdue....*

I continue to lack in the blogging department. And I don't really know why, aside from lack of time to sit down and actually write anything meaningful. I used to write a lot at work, but for some reason, my blog is now a blocked site. I can still access just about everyone else's blogs at work, but just not mine. I browse through my google reader pretty much daily, but I've neglected quite a handful. The main reason being that they update so often, I feel as though I can't keep up. And that's pretty crappy of me, so I'm sorry! My method is to always check out my "originals" first. The ladies that I've followed since creating this blog. Even if I'm not commenting, odds are I am still reading.

So what's been going on with me? My main battle lately has been mental. I had this attitude in my head that I would never reach 50 pounds lost. And because of that, it took me a really long time to get from 40 to 50 lost. Well, I suppose "a really long time" is all relative, but compared to my previous losses, taking 6 weeks to lose 10 pounds is a long time for me. But I did it. And really, it seems so surreal to me. I mean, if I was talking to a stranger and they told me "I lost 52 pounds," I would be ecstatic for them! I'd congratulate them & let them know what an inspiration they are to me. But when it's ME that's lost that weight, I don't celebrate myself like that. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's almost like I don't believe that I've really accomplished what I have.

When I was in a relationship with Mike, I feel like I never saw myself ever reaching my goal. He always told me how much he enjoyed my curvy, womanly body. He always used to say that he didn't see beauty at 120 pounds, he just wasn't programmed that way. So, while I have no intention of ever wanting to actually be 120 pounds, knowing that if I lost some of my curves, he might not be attracted to me physically, was definately sort of a mental roadblock for me. And now that he's no longer in the picture, I still haven't quite kicked that roadblock to the curb.

I have started dating someone new. It was unexpected, and I wasn't trying, but it happened. And while it seems like I "moved on" quite quickly, perhaps if you knew the whole story, you'd understand why it wasn't that hard. I know that I haven't written about it on this blog, but I suppose I owe some kind of explanation. My cousin Amy sometimes reads this, and I don't believe she's aware of these details, as I asked my family not to share them with others (with my mom having 16 brothers/sisters, you tell one person something, and within a week, everyone knows!). I trust her with this information though, so I suppose it's time that I share.

In early January (the 14th), Mike lost his job unexpectedly. That was on a Monday. By Wednesday, he had decided he was going home to Alabama, without me. Decided just to drop me, just like that I suppose. Enter lots of heartache, blah blah blah. On his way to Alabama, he wrecked his car. I think I may have written about this? So I went to get him, he had to come back, we thought maybe we'd work on things. Well, eventually the heartache turned into doubt and worry. I was wondering what would stop him from just dropping me suddenly again, in the future. So while he made the initial decision to leave me & cancel our future together, I then decided that I could never trust him in the same way again & agreed now with his decision. The following Wednesday, I went to see a friend in Iowa. He was supposed to move all his stuff out of the apartment while I was gone. When I returned, some had been moved, but not all. He was no longer staying there though. The Monday after that (January 28), I returned home from work to find him in my apartment, asleep in my bed. He still had a key. Before waking him, I removed the key from his keyring. Then I woke him & told him he needed to get the rest of his belongings & get out. He refused, and I told him I'd call someone to escort him out then. Then he made a pretty stupid decision. One that of course he now blames me for, because that's how he is (it's always someone ELSE'S fault). He flew up out of bed and stormed down the hallway after me. Once in the living room, he puffed his chest out, pushing into me, walking forward (thus causing me to walk backwards), and this action pushed me down onto the couch. I told him calmly to get out of my face, and to leave now. He was completely out of control, in my face yelling, acting completely insane. Then he put his hand up in my face, in the shape of a fist. Then he punched me in the thigh. Out of reflex & defense, I hit him in the groin. He reeled back for a minute, but then that only made him more angry. I had stood up at this point, and he lunged at me again. I put my arm up to block him as he lunged at me, and that caused my shoulder to get hurt when his body slammed into it. He stormed out of the room & I ran out of the apartment & called 911. Cops came, he admitted to what he did, he was arrested, and he spent 4 days in jail. I went to court & got an emergency order of protection. Within an hour of getting out of jail, he'd all ready begun violating the order by calling me & leaving harrassing voicemails. The last straw though was when he called my elderly parents at 2 in the morning swearing at them and screaming at them. I'd had enough. So I called the cops on him again for violating the order. They listened to my messages (which were quite flavorful, let me tell you... he's really not too smart to be leaving harrassing & threatening messages as proof that he's off the deep end). Nothing ever came of it though. He wasn't arrested again, nada. Apparently my restraining order didn't do crap for me. Whatever. So this whole time, I'd been telling cops, the judge, anyone that would listen, that I thought he was suffering from a manic episode & needed psychiatric treatment. I've left out some big chunks, but just trust me... I've got a degree in psychology, and I know mania when I see it. He'd never been diagnosed as being bipolar, but I always believed he was. Though I'd never seen a manic episode from him quite like this. Sooo.... through a series of bizarre events that I won't go into right now, he finally was hospitalized & diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder. He spent a week in the behavioral services floor of a local hospital. While I realize it was his illness causing his behavior, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to speak to him, see him, whatever. It's unfortunate that things happened the way they did, but I'm certainly not sitting around thinking "woe is me".

Whew! So I didn't write all that for sympathy, pity, whatever... I just wrote it b/c I hadn't shared it on here & I thought I should. If you made it through all that, pat yourself on the back:)

So, as I was saying... I met a new boy. We've been spending a lot of time with one another, and it's nice. He's a change of pace, and I think we all need that... *insert clever transition*

Speaking of change of pace... I need to do something to change up my program. I have fallen into the rut that I didn't want myself to get in... and that's the rut of finding what is tasty & fits w/in your daily points & eat that... often. Meaning I've had a half turkey sandwich & a salad for lunch every day this week. When I first started my WW journey in August, I started this blog as a WW recipe blog... hence the name "Teale's Meals". I haven't shared recipes in quite some time though, and I'd like to get back to doing that. I'm thinking maybe even just a weekly post sharing the new recipes or items that I tried that week. The next couple months may not hold too much as far as trying new stuff goes, as I've recently gotten a 2nd job. It's just a temp job, 3 evenings a week from 6-10pm. So on those days, I work 7-530 at job #1, and 6-10 at job #2. And that does NOT leave time for any cooking! The extra money will be worth it though!

So anyway, this was insanely long, and if you are still reading, I'm surprised! LOL I didn't make it to my meeting on Tuesday b/c I had an out of town friend visiting (and I didn't really want to see the scale!), but I am going to a meeting tomorrow at noon. So, I'll give my weight update then!


Krystle said...

Wow Teale, you have gone through alot, and I'm glad Mike was able to find a diagnosis for his condition. That is terrible.

Congratulations though on meeting a new boy... you deserve it! :)

Hanlie said...

You've been through a great deal these last six weeks! And even though he's sick, I think you've done the right thing to get him out of your life. I've been through a marriage to someone who never took responsibility for his own actions, who kept on losing his job and who eventually turned violent on me. It destroyed something in me that's taken many years to rebuild. You know that he needs help, but that's not your job to provide it. Your priority is yourself. And I think you are incredibly brave and disciplined to have lost weight through all of this. Most of us would have slid way back down the slippery slope of self-destruction. You are a very special girl, and I'm glad that you've met someone new who you enjoy spending time with.

You really make me proud to be a woman!

Chubby Chick said...

I'm glad you shared all of this with us. It's good to get it off your chest. And we really do care about you, girl!

You've been through a lot. And you have managed to not fall off the weight loss wagon and turn to food for comfort. That is absolutely FANTASTIC!!! You should be so proud of yourself!

I'm glad you're moving on and are now seeing someone else. I hope he's worthy of you. :)

Ms Ingrid said...

Oh Teale, what a story!
Thanks for sharing it with us.

I hope everything works out for you with your new guy.

janey said...

You really have been through a tough time lately, but you really shine through your writing as a strong person. I am so glad you are okay and are moving on with your life. Hope things with the new boy work out!
Good luck with your weigh-in. xx

Holly said...

Wow, Teale, I remember when all this was going on back in January and so it's nice to hear more of the story. But I have to ask, how the heck did you get engaged to my ex??? Seriously, they sound so very similar. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that but look back and be thankful you got him out of your life NOW and not 5 years from now with two small children involved in the mix. Have fun with the new boy!

Scale Junkie said...

So good to see you post. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that with Mike but I'm very proud of you for not spiraling into depression over it but instead being strong enough to tell him to move on and then taking the actions you knew you had to take.

You are such an amazing woman, I'm so glad you've met someone new who is worth spending time with. I wish so much happiness in life, you are truly a remarkable woman

Trisaratops said...

I'm glad to hear from you. And I'm so sorry that you went through that with Mike, but I'm glad that it helped lead to his diagnosis. You so deserve to reach your goals, and to clear your mental blocks - you're doing great! I'm older than you, and it has taken me 1.5 years to lose 60 pounds, so feel good about what you've done. You're a rock star! Thanks for updating. I'm glad that you're feeling good and enjoying someone else's company - you deserve that too!

~Diet Goddess~ said...

Wow...I think we can forgive you for not updating! Sounds like you've had quite a bit on your plate to deal with! Kudos to you for following through with the whole pressing charges/order of protection thing. My hubby and my brother are cops and so many women drop it because they don't want the hassle.

I'm glad you have a new guy and things are going well. You CERTAINLY deserve it!

heatherlo said...

congrats on the new boy, Teale you deserve all the happiness in the world and good for you for going out and getting what you deserve. YOu are an inspiration to me and I love it. :) also, I miss seeing you!

Heather said...

I have fallen into the food rut and its natural I think when people know what foods they like and can help them lose weight, and then they eat them all the time. I know I do that too, but I try to at least make one new thing a week, so even if you are busy etc., pick a day where you may be home and can cook for the week or can cook something new for the evening, and maybe that will help you.


Teale, it takes a lot of bravery to write about the intimate details of your life and I really commend you for that. And it's not easy to make tough decisions about the ones you love. It sounds like you've got things moving in the right direction. Here's hoping the next six weeks are a little easier for you then the previous have been.

Lyn said...

Of course I'm still reading, Teale! Have been worrying about you and hoping for a good update. I am glad you shared what happened to you. NO ONE deserves that kind of abuse. You and I have more in common than you know.

I hope your new guy is treating you right, and I am really looking forward to your recipes :)