I don't know how many of you watch the current Biggest Loser teams that is on. This week's episode was one of those where the light bulb kind of goes off. There is a team comprised of a mother & daughter. The pink team. This week Jillian was helping them deal with some of their emotional issues with food. The daughter felt like all her life she'd been alone, for her own personal reasons, which are different than mine. But she turned to food because she felt like if people left her, it must be because she is fat, because why would anyone want to leave her, as a person. It was one of those moments where you just go "ooohhhhhhh......."
That is totally me. And it's strange, because I have two people in my life that have always been there, no matter what, and that's my parents. I don't know that I've mentioned it here, but they are really my grandparents. They adopted me when I was in 2nd grade. I always knew who my birth parents were (my dad especially since it's his parents that adopted me!). But I guess I do probably have issues with that fact, deep down. I know that my life was better because of them raising me. I would be a totally different person in totally different circumstances if things had been different.
When I was 16, my dad died. I know that he didn't choose to leave me, but it doesn't hurt any less to know that. Since then, people--men--have come in and out of my life. And they always leave. I came to expect that they would leave, and that's why I chose not to do anything about my weight. Because if I'm thin and they leave, then I don't have this "reason" that they left. I can be a rational person, and after the fact, I know that they didn't leave me because of that. Things just weren't meant to be. But at the time, you don't always see that.
Then came Mike. He loves me and he thinks I'm beautiful. Now, and at 330 pounds. Now that I'm losing weight, I feel vulnerable sometimes. I feel like I don't have it to hide behind, and I am exposed. Thankfully he puts up with me when I have little emotional breakdowns where I fear he will leave and never come back. Or he'll find someone better. I guess we all have our insecurities. Those that know me in real life know this confident, outspoken Teale. Usually without a care in the world, just going with the flow, laid back. But, we all have our moments I suppose.
Anyway, I'm a work in progress. Half of this battle really is mental, and if you don't address the mental & emotional ties to why you're overweight, I don't think you can truly keep it off. Because even if you lose 20, 50, 100 pounds... if you don't confront those demons or those mental battles, they're still going to be there, whether you're a size 24 or a size 8.