Thursday, January 17, 2008

Close to home

I don't know how many of you watch the current Biggest Loser teams that is on. This week's episode was one of those where the light bulb kind of goes off. There is a team comprised of a mother & daughter. The pink team. This week Jillian was helping them deal with some of their emotional issues with food. The daughter felt like all her life she'd been alone, for her own personal reasons, which are different than mine. But she turned to food because she felt like if people left her, it must be because she is fat, because why would anyone want to leave her, as a person. It was one of those moments where you just go "ooohhhhhhh......."

That is totally me. And it's strange, because I have two people in my life that have always been there, no matter what, and that's my parents. I don't know that I've mentioned it here, but they are really my grandparents. They adopted me when I was in 2nd grade. I always knew who my birth parents were (my dad especially since it's his parents that adopted me!). But I guess I do probably have issues with that fact, deep down. I know that my life was better because of them raising me. I would be a totally different person in totally different circumstances if things had been different.

When I was 16, my dad died. I know that he didn't choose to leave me, but it doesn't hurt any less to know that. Since then, people--men--have come in and out of my life. And they always leave. I came to expect that they would leave, and that's why I chose not to do anything about my weight. Because if I'm thin and they leave, then I don't have this "reason" that they left. I can be a rational person, and after the fact, I know that they didn't leave me because of that. Things just weren't meant to be. But at the time, you don't always see that.

Then came Mike. He loves me and he thinks I'm beautiful. Now, and at 330 pounds. Now that I'm losing weight, I feel vulnerable sometimes. I feel like I don't have it to hide behind, and I am exposed. Thankfully he puts up with me when I have little emotional breakdowns where I fear he will leave and never come back. Or he'll find someone better. I guess we all have our insecurities. Those that know me in real life know this confident, outspoken Teale. Usually without a care in the world, just going with the flow, laid back. But, we all have our moments I suppose.

Anyway, I'm a work in progress. Half of this battle really is mental, and if you don't address the mental & emotional ties to why you're overweight, I don't think you can truly keep it off. Because even if you lose 20, 50, 100 pounds... if you don't confront those demons or those mental battles, they're still going to be there, whether you're a size 24 or a size 8.


Krissie said...

As you continue your progress, Mike will find someone better - because you will be better. Healthier all the way around, better able to do what you want to do, better able to face the challenges ahead of you without fear!

Knock out the emotional struggles, girl! Don't let anything get in your way! You are fierce!

Scale Junkie said...

You have a beautiful soul and Mike sees that. I'm so happy you have someone who loves you for you! It really makes all the difference doesn't it?

Big HUGS for you!!

Chubby Chick said...

It's true... half the battle really is mental. We all have emotional baggage for one reason or another that we have to deal with. And realizing that is definitely a step in the right direction!

EVA said...

as i was reading your blog i felt so much for you. reading those words made me feel that way all over again.
and half way through i was about to click on comments and tell you that you would find some one outstanding who saw how gorgeous and worthy you are...and then you wrote about mike! yay! im so glad that you have some one like that. some times that support is so precious.
im happy for you teale. as you keep meeting your goal(s) it's nice to have some one know what it took and who saw the stuggle and the strength.
your an amazing person.

Hanlie said...

People always ask me why I married my first husband, Mike. I tell them it's because he never left. Everyone else always left me. That's not the best reason to marry someone. You still have to be sure that you are compatible on all levels. Ironically it was that marriage that started my weight gain - I gained 110 pounds in the first year.

I met my second husband while fat and we are compatible, and love each other dearly. He sees the real me. And he's given me the space and desire to start dealing with my emotional baggage. Only once I started working on my issues, can I allow myself to do something about my weight.

Good luck to you Teale! I'm sure you're going to win this time, because you're confronting the pain.

Felicia said...

The mental side of the journey is so hard some times. That was also something I found when I got thinner. My "protective layer" was gone. Everyone could "see" me now. It was/is scary. You are very lucky to have some one there to support you. It makes a huge difference to not have to do this alone. I don't know what I would do with out hubby.

Keep going! You are making it. You are succeeding. You are becoming who you really are. And its wonderful!!


ExpressingNotStuffing said...

Well said my dear! We all have those emotional issues that are tied to our weight.
I'm going to start working deeper on mine.
I laughed when I read your post today about all of the acronyms ha ha ha.
CAD is the Carbohydrate Addicts Diet
CM is what they call a "Complimentary Meal" and that meal is low carb
and a RM is what they call a "Reward Meal" It's where you have a salad first (if you don't eat your salad you have veggies instead) and then you divide your plate into 1/3's and that is where you have 1/3 veggies (even if you ate veggies instead of your salad), 1/3 protein source, and 1/3 is your anything goes area of starchy stuff where you can have your bread, desserts, fruit, whatever you want. It's all about controlling insulin release. So there now you are officially Monica Acronym friendly ha ha.
Have a great day sweetie pie!

Heather said...

yes that pink team sure got in to the deep emotional things this week!

Im glad that you are able to start discovering who you are without food. and its nice you have always had some support and still continue to have that as you lose the weight. you are so right too..issues that people have with food never just go away wtih the weight. thats why people who have gastric bypass still have issues because while they may lose the weight, nothing emotional has been addressed.

Trisaratops said...

Oh my dear, we have the same issues. My Dad died when I was 10 and that's when I started eating for love. Abandonment is a huge issue for me. I hear you. Kudos to you for realizing that and having the strength to face it.

Carleen said...

I think that should really hit home for me too- I do NOT really get along with my mommy and and I need to get over or else it will haunt me... you are awesome!