I have never felt such support from a group of people that have never met me as I have in the last 24 hours. Everyone who has left kind words and kept me in their thoughts is such a blessing & I love you gals all so much. I don't usually write non-weight-related blogs in here (that's what my other blog is for elsewhere), but I wanted to fill all of you in, because you deserve to know the outcome since you all were so kind to me. It's somewhat long, but details about the last 24-48 hours.
I woke up yesterday & the first thing that happened were the tears came again. I woke up next to my best friend, and I didn't know how many more times I would. All of the "lasts" came flooding in to me. This might be the last time I wake up with him. Last night may have been our last kiss. Were the last words out of his mouth last night, "I love you", ever going to be whispered again? When was the last time we shared a shower & he washed my hair? When was the last time we laughed so hard we cried? All of these thoughts just overwhelmed me and I was hysterical again.
I knew I had to go to work, so I showered, tears streaming down my face all the while. Memories of the night before just wouldn't go away. I had gotten home from work Thursday and started dinner. He wanted to talk. He lost his job on Monday, and he's been feeling dejected. He said he's going back to Alabama, he can't be a good enough man for me and he needs to make something of himself. There's no hope. The scenes of the night before wouldn't leave my head while in the shower. I got out and somehow pulled myself together & left for my 10-hour day at work.
At around noon I got a call from him. He had gathered his clothes & was getting ready to do laundry. He wanted to be on the road by early evening. We discussed what to do with the rings. He gave me the last $400 he had for bill money, and he needed some money to get himself down there. He asked what I wanted to do with them. Did I want him to get rid of them? Meaning pawn them. As horrible as it would be to know he'd done that, I think seeing them every day would be even more hard. We agreed he'd take the engagement ring & leave me the bands. He called later & said he couldn't do it, that it wasn't right. He gave me that ring and it belonged to me. He'd leave it with me, he'd just need a little cash for gas. It was agreed upon.
The whole rest of the day at work was awful. There was this overwhelming dread over my head. The drive home was the longest one ever. I got home and his clothes were in bags, his computer room was cleaned up & part of it packed. It was horrible. We hugged and both exploded in tears. I told him I loved him, and he wouldn't say it back. I told him he didn't have to, that I knew he loved me too, even if he didn't say it. He wouldn't kiss me either. He said it was too hard.
Finally it was time. He had packed up his car with what he could, and he said he'd be back eventually to get the rest. I didn't think it was possible to cry any harder, but when we hugged & he said he loved me & he kissed me & he said Goodbye and I walked back to our bedroom, I did. My legs could hardly carry me down the hall. I couldn't watch him leave though. I collapsed on our bed and just screamed and cried with hurt and sadness. I kept saying "make him come back, please make him come back". But I heard the mustang start, and I watched it roll away.
When I finally was able to move again, I came on here and read all of your wonderful words and encouragement. I honestly don't know that I've ever felt so loved by so many people all at once. I hope that I am as good as encouraging you when you're down as you all were to me. It was overwhelming. Thank you.
I have a friend online who went through a similar situation. She directed me to the entries she wrote during that hard time for her. Her situation changed though, and she's happily married & blessed with her soul mate. I asked her how she was able to forgive after such an unbelievable hurt. That's when she referred me back to the entries. While I was reading the entry where things are looking up for her, Mike called.He was about an hour and a half south of here. He told me he had been going the wrong way on the highway, and that now he was turned the right way and coming home. Back to OUR home. Then all of a sudden I knew how my friend was able to forgive. There was just no question about it, in that one sentence "I'm going the right way now", all my hurt disappated.
But then he changed his mind.
After driving about 1/2 hour towards home, he called again. He said he had to at least go and see if it really was what he was missing. See if it would feel the void he has felt for awhile now. I was crushed all over again. I was getting angry too. This whole time, there had been very little anger. I had a fleeting moment of it, when I got out my digital camera and tried to show him pictures of me in my dress, show him what he'd never see, show him what he was missing out on. He wouldn't look at them though. I told him he needs to make up his mind, that I can't tolerate the flip-flopping. It's just harder & worse for me to have a little hope & then have it ripped away. He said he just needed some time. He'd go down there for a week, then he'd come back and either get the rest of his stuff, or he'd come home to stay.
I asked him if he was going to consider himself single down there, was he going to have the fun of a bachelor? That upset him for me to even ask. He said he didn't want anyone else, he just couldn't be here right now. And we hung up.
Thirty minutes later, I got the most terrifying call from him I've ever received.
I was in an accident. I need you to come.
My whole body started uncontrollably shaking. Almost as though I was having convulsions. I managed to squeak out Are You Hurt? He said he's fine, not a scratch on him, but he's lucky to be standing and walking around.
He hit black ice and his car started to skid. He tried to correct it, but it was too late. He was passing a semi when this happened, and his car spun around and the front end of his car collided with the front of the rear wheels of the semi's trailor. He's lucky he didn't go under the semi. He's lucky he's here. After his car spun around a few times, it came to a stop. His airbags didn't even deploy. He was able to get the car on the shoulder. He was okay.
I didn't think my body would carry me to my car. I almost lost him. I can't lose him. I was so scared. That was the longest hour and fifteen minute drive of my life. He told me to be careful, that just out of nowhere, the black ice takes over the road. I got just about to Effingham when I saw the salt trucks driving around. You would have no idea roads were even slick if you didn't see them. But you would once you got past the exit into and out of Effingham. I went around a curve, and all you could see for about a mile were emergency vehicles left and right. Cars and trucks, so many of them, in ditches, on their roofs, debris all over the road. There were probably 8-10 accidents within a mile's stretch south of Effingham. He was so lucky.
I finally got to him on the side of the road. He was all alone in his car. The officer had been by all ready & the semi had all ready left. They were just given an accident report to fill out & send in because there were so many other accidents, many with serious injuries. I've never hugged him so hard in my life.
"Everythings's going to be okay." were the first words out of his mouth.
He said if that wasn't a pretty blatant sign from God that we weren't supposed to be apart, he didn't know what was. He said he really did see his life flash before his eyes, so to speak, and that I was there, that I was his life. And that all he could think about was "tell her I love her".
The mustang is still on the side of the road, 80 miles from here. It's not driveable... at least not at night anyway, the front end is pretty much gone. No bumper, no headlights, hood mashed up. But it doesn't even matter. Nothing else matters except that he's okay. He's okay.
He got in the car, and we drove home. Together. He put my ring back on my finger. I asked if that meant everything was the same, and he said yes. We layed in our bed together and held each other tighter than I think we've ever held each other. We were able to talk, to laugh, everything.
I don't know what we'll do about his car, I don't know what we'll do about a job. But it's not important right now. We love each other. We're going to be okay. That's what's important.