My life has to change. I am a mess that is out of control with my weight. Changing gets put off again and again. The fear of failure is always at the forefront of my mind. But this is failure. This doing nothing. Trying to change is the farthest thing from failing. This apathy that I have sunken into though, that is failure.
I've gained so much weight that very few of my clothes fit. I'm uncomfortable all the time. I'm in pain in my knees, back, hips. My wedding rings are too tight. I don't like what I see in the mirror & I can't imagine why my husband would want to see what is under these too-tight clothes. My self-esteem is at rock bottom. I can't get life insurance. I'm miserable and I feel sad because of what I've done to myself.
The same question just keeps flashing in my head like a neon light. "What makes this time different?" I keep racking my brain, wondering what it is that always makes me quit focusing on living a healthy life when I'm seeing success. I've lost 40-50 pounds several times in my life... the same 40-50 pounds. So I am capable... but then there's something that throws me off. And I don't know what it is. Do I feel like I don't deserve to be healthy, deep down? Do I feel like I'm losing part of my identity when I lose weight. I don't know. I genuinely don't know what it is that makes me stop trying & leads me to where I'm at now.
It's time to make a plan. Time to quit talking about how I need to change & just get on with it already. I'm going to be forumlating a detailed plan for what I'm going to do & how I'm going to make this time be the difference. I need a contingency plan for when I start to get derailed. A go-to to get me back on track if need-be. I've got to do this. It's not a question of just wanting to, I need to. I'm pretty positive that I'm going to go back to Weight Watchers. I've had success with it in the past, much more success than when I try to do it on my own. Yes, eventually I started gaining weight back, but that wasn't the program's fault, it was my own. I've been away from the program for a couple years, and I think that it may be what I need to become refocused. I hate that I have so much more to lose than I've ever had to before. I hate that I've done this to myself. But only I can change this, nobody else can do it for me.