Monday, May 3, 2010

Sweet Surrender

My life has to change. I am a mess that is out of control with my weight. Changing gets put off again and again. The fear of failure is always at the forefront of my mind. But this is failure. This doing nothing. Trying to change is the farthest thing from failing. This apathy that I have sunken into though, that is failure.

I've gained so much weight that very few of my clothes fit. I'm uncomfortable all the time. I'm in pain in my knees, back, hips. My wedding rings are too tight. I don't like what I see in the mirror & I can't imagine why my husband would want to see what is under these too-tight clothes. My self-esteem is at rock bottom. I can't get life insurance. I'm miserable and I feel sad because of what I've done to myself.

The same question just keeps flashing in my head like a neon light. "What makes this time different?" I keep racking my brain, wondering what it is that always makes me quit focusing on living a healthy life when I'm seeing success. I've lost 40-50 pounds several times in my life... the same 40-50 pounds. So I am capable... but then there's something that throws me off. And I don't know what it is. Do I feel like I don't deserve to be healthy, deep down? Do I feel like I'm losing part of my identity when I lose weight. I don't know. I genuinely don't know what it is that makes me stop trying & leads me to where I'm at now.

It's time to make a plan. Time to quit talking about how I need to change & just get on with it already. I'm going to be forumlating a detailed plan for what I'm going to do & how I'm going to make this time be the difference. I need a contingency plan for when I start to get derailed. A go-to to get me back on track if need-be. I've got to do this. It's not a question of just wanting to, I need to. I'm pretty positive that I'm going to go back to Weight Watchers. I've had success with it in the past, much more success than when I try to do it on my own. Yes, eventually I started gaining weight back, but that wasn't the program's fault, it was my own. I've been away from the program for a couple years, and I think that it may be what I need to become refocused. I hate that I have so much more to lose than I've ever had to before. I hate that I've done this to myself. But only I can change this, nobody else can do it for me.


Laura said...

I hope you're able to do it. I really do understand how hard it is and the only thing that changed my behavior was examining why I do the things I do, and it was a real eye-opener.

It's good that you're still posting on your blog and being honest with yourself. Take care.

Trisaratops said...

I know you can do it, sister! Finding out what keeps us going forward is the hardest part, I think. What inspired me to start 4 years ago was that I wanted a long life with my new husband. You are taking a big step by posting and putting your plans in writing. I believe in you! Good luck with your journey.

Heather said...

you are taking a great first step in the right direction, and I think once you are back in the swing of things, you will realize how great it feels to be doing something wonderful for yourself. maybe it was just hard before because you were busy in a relationship, busy getting married,etc and now that things are in order, you can once again focus on yourself. its not easy, but you can do it. you deserve to feel good and be happy with yourself and as long as you can focus on that, I know that you can succeed.

Erin said...

You can do it, Teale! I remember that time you lost 50 pounds, and I was so amazed at how dedicated you were. It actually happened pretty quickly, too! Just think of how you did it once, and you can do it now. Is there any way I can help you stay focused?

Smasher Girl said...

it's hard teale...i dont know what the answer is and why apathy always kicks in. you can do it. and it sounds like you WILL!