My story (bound to be long)

I realized that I haven't ever shared my weight loss "story" so to speak. I've spoken generally about it, but never gone to the beginning and gotten it all out. So that's what this is.

I don't know *exactly* when I became fat. I know that it was in a year's time, when I was a toddler. I don't know why. I see pictures of myself at about 3 1/2 to 4 years old, and I was an average looking toddler. I had a little baby fat, but certainly not overweight. When I was 4, my family moved to the town I was raised in through high school. Sometime between when we moved and when I started kindergarten, I gained weight. A lot of weight.

This is something I need to ask my mom about, to find out what on earth made me balloon during that year. My school days memory book lists my kindergarten weight as 108 lbs. As a 6 year old. And from there, it was up and up and up... every single weigh-in at school, I weighed more. I don't remember eating tons of junk, and I don't remember being sedentary... I just remember gaining weight.

Kids are cruel. They'll do anything to make other people feel bad, because for some reason they get a sick pleasure out of this. I was teased all through school, and I grew a very thick skin. I stopped getting my feelings hurt... I understood that these kids were mean, but I wouldn't let them "win" by letting them get to me.

The summer after 8th grade was the only year that I actually lost weight. I played softball, and did a lot of bike riding and stayed busy. My freshman year school picture, I actually look *thin*! But, that didn't last for long... my weight then continued to go up.

When I was 16, my father passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack. He was only 38 years old. His parents had always raised me, and actually adopted me when I was in 2nd grade, so I still had a stable family, but I was definately devastated and lost w/o my Daddy. Food tasted good and made me feel good. This is the first time that I consciously remember eating to ease the pain.

My weight pretty much plateaued around 280 pounds when I was 17. For the next 5 years or so, I was always right around that weight, give or take 5-10 pounds. If I watched what I ate, or if I ate like crap, I still stayed right there... so I figured why bother trying.

Then one day, I decided to make a change. I was headed to Dairy Queen for some junk food, and instead, I went to Weight Watchers. I wrote about this recently. A friend of mine had been doing the program for a few weeks, and we diligently went to meetings every week. From February-May, I lost over 40 pounds on the program. I wasn't *really* learning anything though. I was still eating a lot of junk, I was just limiting the intake & staying w/in my points. I wasn't changing my lifestyle. The summer came, my friend moved home (we were at college), and eventually I stopped following the program.

Slowly, weight came back on. I tried probably 3-4 times since then to get started back up on WW, but each time, my heart wasn't in it. I *knew* I needed to do something, I just lacked ALL motivation. I stopped caring.

My boyfriend (now fiance) moved in with me last October. We both started putting on the pounds... lots of eating out & lack of activity. I got comfortable in our relationship, and when you have someone telling you how much they love you, *no matter what*, it's easy to just kind of let yourself go. And that's what I did. I gained probably 40 pounds in the past year. My clothes were tighter and looked messy on me. I was getting winded going up the stairs to our apartment. I was lethargic all the time. Yet I completely lacked motivation....

Until August 21.

Finally, motivation was back, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was getting married in 7 months. Not only do I not want to look the way I do on our wedding day (yes, vain, I know), but I don't want to be a wife that lives such an unhealthy lifestyle. On the 21st, I went back to Weight Watchers, and I went back whole-heartedly. I am really following the program as much as possible this time (I'm a work in progress though!). I'm immersing myself in all things healthy, making weekly trips to the library for reading material/cookbooks, grocery shopping for fresh foods & cooking more, and finding the support & kind words from others through their blogs.

This time is different.

I won't be at my goal weight for our wedding. I probably won't even be halfway there. But that doesn't mean that I won't ever reach it. I will.

I know there will be hard days, and there will be days when I just want to quit. But I won't.

I want to be healthy, and I will be healthy.